He’s in his 60s but gets kissy messages
THIS strange letter leaves me as confused as you feel. You and your husband split ten years ago, yet somehow you have access to the man’s phone in order to read suspicious messages. how come? You say he ‘seems distracted and moody’, implying you see him often enough to know. Why? You’re working hard to build up a business you love, yet are actually considering a return to the same roof as the man you neither trust nor desire.
You have asked him to be honest and warn you if he still fancies straying (in his 60s now, and getting strange kissy messages…) so you know where you are. That’s so odd. What’s more, there’s no glimmer of affection in your email — not a single note of longing or love.
To be blunt, I haven’t a clue why you think there could be a ‘recovery path’ when the prognosis seems pretty dire. I cannot come up with a single good reason for you to go back to living as man and wife — other than a fear of being on your own.
Yet you have had ten years of independence. So why on earth would you consider, for one moment, returning to sharing a bed with a man you suspect of being habitually unfaithful? The one who dissuaded you from having a child?
You ask me ‘for understanding of human fragility’. Believe me, that is easy to give, especially since I too have been a sinner and know both the weakness of the flesh and the need for attention.
There are lots of us about, but there comes a time when we have to step away from self-flagellation and vow to be strong in re-making our lives.
A part of that process is conversation. During the ten years since you parted I hope that you and this man have discussed what went wrong and why you hurt each other so badly, why you haven’t divorced and what the future can hold when a marriage has effectively died.
Yes, you both have much more talking to do — and I hope you do. Yet if I were asked what outcome I would like to see, I’d wish you to remain single, while seeking new friends and enjoying your life.
I can understand the ‘ human fragility’ of your long-ago affair, but find it hard to comprehend the fact that you can contemplate making yourself vulnerable to this ‘husband’ again when it sounds as if there is little between you but tears.