I left my husband and life is wretched

DEAR BEL

I LEFT my husband of 18 years for another man — packed up the kids and dog and left a very comfortable life for the one I have now. Eight years on, my ex has a new wife, child, and is really happy.

I have a miserable, abusive, toxic relationship built on lies. My partner has refused to divorce his wife (who lives in another country) because he says I won’t marry him. He lies daily — from little lies to big lies — and I don’t care any more.

We live in Europe, but as a native English speaker I find the language is difficult at best. Jobs are difficult; I am under his medical insurance with many health issues that are serious and expensive to treat. He pays for the apartment and bills.

This has led me and my autistic son to be his verbal punching bags. He has emotional outbursts, name-calling, screaming and yelling at us. Or he will go two weeks without speaking to us — only grunting. He is in his 50s and I think he’s going through the male menopause, but won’t get help.

I have not slept in his bed for two years, as he snores and will not see a doctor. He says it’s my problem. I am 44. I’ve been in hospital twice in two months for stressrelated heart issues. I feel like I’m on the edge of the cliff with no lifeline. EILEEN

AS I am sure you can imagine, there will be many readers who murmur that perhaps this person got what she deserved. It is often true that we reap what we sow; the great wheel of fate turns and in more than one great cultural tradition they call it karma. This is a vital truth all of us may have to face, whoever we are and whatever we believe.

My own misdeeds have come back to haunt me more than once, and sometimes I’ve wished I were a Catholic, able to confess and receive absolution from a cool, disembodied voice. One of the best lessons you can teach a child is that there are

consequences. But it is tragic yours (you don’t tell me how many you have) have been forced to learn that truth so painfully.

This sad, desperate letter made me reflect on how easily people skip out of marriage these days. Divorce needs a health warning (and I am divorced) even though it is often the route to happiness.

Marriages go through bad times and people meet sexy new loves (been there, done it all), but to take your children away from a marriage is a very big step, not to be taken without immense thought and (hopefully) some knowledge of the kind of person you’ve fallen in love with. Yet what’s done is done. Your email subject is ‘feeling caged’ — so I suggest that what matters now is how you plan to break out of the prison you built around yourself.

At 44, you are too young to fester in this non-life — and the toxic atmosphere must be hurting your son.

You bear the burden of a terrible mistake, the emotional fallout (which must have been huge), the move to Germany, your isolation and (of course) this unhappy life with the lover you freely chose. Feeling trapped will make coping with the financial burden of breaking free even worse. But, seriously, what choice do you have? To stay is to relinquish any chance of happiness — as well as your son’s wellbeing.

The latter must surely still concern your ex-husband? Have you told him of your situation? And do you have family members and/or old friends to confide in? You may be ashamed to do so, but you need to push those feelings aside.

I’m sure it would help you to contact Relate and access some advice in one of many ways: telephone, webcam or online (see relate.org.uk/relationship-help/talksomeone for more information). Whatever you do — do something positive. Now.