Would your marriage (and sanity) survive FOUR babies in FIVE years?
Back-to-back pregnancies are becoming increasingly common as women leave it ever later to start a family. So how DO they cope?
For most mums, the months after their baby is born are a special time, but undeniably hectic. Usually, the last thing they want is to double their trouble by having a second, or even a third or fourth child, in rapid succession.
But an increasing number of couples are doing just that. official figures show the average age gap between children has dropped by ten per cent in 13 years, from three years, three months to two years, 11 months.
With many starting families later in life — the average first-time mother is 30 — it seems couples may be having children as quickly as possible once they’ve started a family. So, what’s it really like having a family so close in age that they’re practically back to back? FOUR UNDER SEVEN
Gemma Jones, 36, is an HR manager and lives in Hereford with husband andrew, 35, a stay-at-home dad and former design engineer. They have four children — Jacob, six, Tabitha, five, Henrietta, three and Georgina, two. she says: PeoPle ask me all the time if I’m a childminder. They can’t believe they’re all mine, because they’re so close in age.
But within a few months of each new arrival, I’ve started to feel intensely broody. I know some women can’t imagine craving another baby when you’re deep in night feeds and nappy-changing territory.
But to me it’s the most natural thing in the world — each time, my maternity jeans had barely been put away before I was back in them. For example, Henrietta was just six months old when I became pregnant with Georgina, who was premature, so there are only 14 months between them.
However, it’s not been easy on me physically. I’ve had four emergency Caesareans, as well as severe sickness for five months each time. Then, while pregnant with Georgina, I developed a pelvic condition and had to use crutches. So physically I know my body can’t cope with another pregnancy and birth.
That’s why, just after Georgina was born, I got myself sterilised. Andrew and I agreed we couldn’t take the chance I’d get broody again and throw caution to the wind trying for a fifth!
So why did we do it this way? I’m one of four siblings born within six years, and there’s only 15 months between Andrew and his brother. We wanted to recreate the closeness of siblings who are similar ages.
The children are such a little unit — they have their squabbles, but most of the time they are best friends. Watching them pet lambs on the farm next to our house, chatting away, my heart swells.
I admit it can be draining. At one point all four were in nappies, and up in the night for different reasons. It felt like I had quads.
That’s why once Georgina was a bit older I went back to work, after being off since Jacob’s was born — it’s easier than looking after four children under seven! Andy is now the one juggling school and nursery runs with housework, homework and cooking meals.
There is no point both of us working until they’re all in school — with the cost of childcare, it just doesn’t make financial sense.
our time together as a couple is non- existent. My mum babysits occasionally, but she is 66 and admits she finds them exhausting. I don’t want to burden her.
Instead, we give each other time to do things we want, but separately. last year Andrew looked after them so I could go to Ibiza for a friend’s birthday, and I will do the same so he can go mountain biking this year.
FOUR UNDER FIVE
Zoe o’PRey, 35, is a stay-athome mum. she lives in Belfast with husband Dominic, 38, a lecturer, and their four sons, Gideon, four, Galahad, three, Gadriel, two, and Gunnerson, ten weeks. she says: I WAS 28 when we married, and I’d always dreamed of having four children. Having seen friends struggle to conceive, I knew we had to get on with it. I grew up with my mum and one sister and while it was a very loving home, it was quiet. I envied friends with more siblings — they were like little gangs. I wanted that for my own children.
You can never predict how long it will take to conceive — we were just lucky that each time it happened very fast.
In fact, the gaps are so short that people tend to assume we’ve had a happy accident, but we planned each baby, right down to tracking when I would be ovulating. I also wonder if people think we are desperately trying for a girl — we’re really not.
But there is another reason. My eldest son Gideon has a genetic condition, called 22Q deletion syndrome, which means he has some special needs, and that has been a factor in having his brothers in quick succession. We want him to have a support network as he grows up, and after Dominic and I have gone.
It’s great because the three older boys all like the same things at the same time — at the moment it’s dinosaurs, superheroes and the film Frozen — so they share toys and entertain one another.
It gives me time with the baby, although soon I’m sure he’ll be tagging along with his big brothers! Going out alone with them all is practically impossible. I am too worried about them running off, so unless Dominic or a family member is with me, I tend to stay at home and let them play in the garden.
I have friends with children with big age gaps, and that has its own challenges — their kids have little in common, and while they love one another, they’ll never be close the way mine are.
While I would happily get pregnant again in the next year, Dominic is keen to stop. I accept financially and practically it’s probably the best idea, as we have no more space in our threebed house.
I love our happy family. I know we’ll look back and wonder how we survived these years, but I also know we’ll miss these joyous days when they’re gone.
FOUR UNDER SIX
HannaH LaPPin, 30, runs a home accessories business and lives in Hampshire with husband Carl, 34, a commercial manager. They have four children, Kaleb, five, malachi, three, myla, two, and Tehya, three months. she says: For the past six years I’ve either been pregnant, breastfeeding, changing nappies, weaning or potty training. And more often
than not, a combination of all of the above. It’s taught me a lot — I’ve been that mum in the supermarket, with two children in the trolley and another two having tantrums on the floor. You learn to cope with anything they throw at you.
I married when I was 20 — I was a nursing student — and had Kaleb four years later. I was adamant I wanted to be a young mum, so I’d have lots of energy and still be young enough to enjoy life once the children were grown up. Then the babies just kept coming. When I announced I was pregnant with Tehya, my family actually thought I was joking, since Myla was less than a year old.
My last three were all born at home. I didn’t want to be away from the others even overnight, and I thought it might help them accept the situation. It’s very hard explaining to a toddler they’re going to be a big brother or sister! The though change her older stories. nappies — children they He and like gets adore Kaleb to so the help excited reads baby me when That’s she not babbles to say back there to him. aren’t difficult days. When they are all tired and want cuddles, and I don’t have four sets of arms to comfort them all at once, it’s nightmarish. I just have to keep cool and work out who needs me most, then distract the others with toys.
People assume it must be extremely expensive, but apart from nappies — which I won’t be buying for ever, thank goodness — and food, it’s not. I have used the same pram and babygrows each time. I stopped working as a nurse after I had Myla, and now run a business from home. One of the biggest challenges is making sure each child gets enough attention. I notice that if they don’t their behaviour deteriorates. They will squabble or become cranky, so Carl and I work very hard to give them all time. When Kaleb and Malachi are at school and nursery, that’s my time with the girls, or Carl and I will split them up and watch films in separate rooms so they have oneon-one time. It leaves little time for the two of us — but we accept it’s part of our decision to have this type of family.
FOUR UNDER SEVEN
Virginia nicolson, 36, is a clinical scientist. she lives in East renfrewshire with husband calum, 37, a consultant radiologist, and their four children, rebecca, six, struan, four, Juliet, two, and Harriet, three months. she says: I vIvIdlY remember, as my eldest Rebecca’s first birthday approached, suddenly wanting another baby. Friends with babies the same age were stunned. Getting pregnant was the furthest thing from their minds at that time, and yet I just felt ready.
They were surprised the third time, too, but not so much with the fourth pregnancy — perhaps by then they just accepted we were crazy!
But this is exactly the dynamic I wanted, as tough as it can be at times. One of my sisters is 17 months older than me and we have always been as thick as thieves, while my eldest sister is more than a decade older.
I admit I wasn’t prepared for how physically gruelling it is. They all need help with everything, from washing to being lifted into car seats. I go from one to the next — it’s never- ending. And being pregnant is increasingly hard each time — there’s just so much bending and lifting, and not much rest.
You lose your freedom, too. We haven’t been abroad since Juliet came along, and babysitters are almost impossible, so we’re usually housebound.
However, when I walk into a room to find them all giggling and playing together, all the hard pracicalities fade into insignificance. What other people might perceive as chaos — toys everywhere and kids running around — to Calum and me is the best of times.
With each pregnancy, you wonder, will I be able to cope? How will they cope having to share me? But once the baby is born you get caught up in family life.
Seeing the children dance around the kitchen or cuddle up in my bed together makes all the physical tiredness worthwhile.
At the moment their favourite game is to ‘read’ one another imaginary stories from an empty notebook. It’s adorable to watch.
I cherish those moments. I’ll miss them when they’re all grown up.
I think I probably will feel broody when Harriet is a bit older, but I don’t think we’ll act on it this time. I don’t feel I could give a fifth child enough attention.
I’ve reached my physical and emotional limit and I wouldn’t want the other four to suffer just to indulge my broodiness.