Welcome to the Tottenham Jezz Festival
NEvER mind the Royal Wedding, the hottest ticket in town this summer is the Tottenham Jezz Festival, aka Labour Live. Well, I say ‘hottest ticket’. So far they’ve only sold around 1,800 of the 20,000 available.
It’s being held on June 16 and is billed as the Left-wing version of Glastonbury, which would seem to be somewhat surplus to requirements. Glasto is already the ultimate Leftie Luvvies’ Love-in.
Who can forget all those right-on, middleclass men and women spilling out of their designer tepees last year to sing along with the dire ‘oh, Jeremy Corbyn’ anthem.
But there’ll be no Glasto this year. The festival is taking a break until 2019 to give the fields time to recover from the crowds. (I wonder if farmer Michael Eavis, who owns the land, is getting a fat set-aside grant under the EU’s Common Agricultural Policy.)
So Labour has spotted a gap in the market and is staging its own open-air, all- singing, all-dancing celebration of socialism. Unlike Glastonbury, where the cheapest ticket cost £243 and well-heeled revellers were prepared to fork out up to £14,000 to stay in a luxury four-bedroom tent with its own dining room, entry to Labour Live will be just £35.
Naturally, there will be discounts for the unwaged and, presumably, illegal immigrants will get in for nothing.
My interest was piqued when I read that the event is to be held at White Hart Lane. Tottenham Hotspur’s new £1 billion, state-ofthe-art stadium isn’t due to open officially until several weeks after the start of the new football season in August and may not be fully operational until october.
Surely Spurs’ chairman Daniel Levy hasn’t sub-let the half-finished ground to Labour simply to bring in a few bob towards a new centre half? Further investigation revealed that the Tottenham Jezz Festival is not being held at the new home of Harry Kane and company, but at the nearby White Hart Lane Recreation Ground.
SOUNDS more like it. North London municipal parks have a noble tradition of staging big events. A few years ago, Madness attracted a crowd of more than 50,000 to a knees-up in Finsbury Park, just down the road.
When everyone started bouncing up and down to one Step Beyond, it caused an earthquake measuring 4.5 on the Richter Scale.
Somehow, though, I can’t see Jeremy Corbyn managing to make the earth move, especially if they have shifted only 1,800 tickets.
There’s just a month to go, so they will have to raise their game if they’re going to recoup the £700,000 the festival is reported to be costing. The acts booked so far don’t look too promising.
Apart from Jezza and his sidekick John McDonnell, I’ve never heard of any of them. Still, there’s enough time left to round-up an all-star bill.
The day could go something like this. Your compere, from Labour’s National Executive Committee, is Eddie Izzard . . . CoMRADES, brothers, sisters, and all of you who define as male, female, transgendered, or no gender at all . . . welcome to the Tottenham Jezz Festival.
Oh, Jeremy Corbyn! Oh, Jeremy Corbyn!
Please be reassured all the public toilets in this park have been re-assigned as gender-neutral for the duration of this event. And please accept our apologies that none of them are actually open, because of the savage Tory cuts.
Boooooooo!!
We would like to apologise, too, for any delay some of you may have experienced in getting here today because of the strike by comrades on the newly renationalised railway line. We also regret the cancellation of the replacement bus service, following a walkout by members of Unite in solidarity with their comrades at the RMT.
Here we go, here we go, here we go!
Brother McCluskey will be passing among you with a bucket, so please give generously to the hardship fund. Jeremy will be joining the picket line later tonight.
Oh, Jeremy Corbyn! Oh, Jeremy Corbyn!
Today’s festival is brought to you in association with the London Borough of Haringey — the first council in Britain, I am delighted to say, to be fully under the control of our very own Momentum. Yeah, that’s right, give it up!
Oh, Jeremy Corbyn! Oh, Jeremy Corbyn!
All right! Here’s what we’ve got in store for you today. Pretty soon we’ll be welcoming to the Hugo Chavez stage the next Chancellor of the Exchequer, John McDonnell, who will be performing a selection of Irish rebel songs, accompanied by the Big Band of the Provisional IRA, with Gerry Adams on Thompson Gun.
IRA! IRA! IRA!
Coming up, too, the TUC Symphony orchestra, soloist Emily Thornberry — aka Lady Nugee, Labour’s answer to Lady Gaga — who will be reworking that old Strawbs classic, You Don’t Get Me, I’m Part of A Customs Union . . .
Till the day I die, till the day I die!
oK, we’re cooking with gas — especially if it comes from the Soviet Union! Let’s make today a ‘hostile environment’ for Tory scum.
Tory scum! Tory scum! Tory scum!
If all this excitement is giving you an appetite, you’ll find the vegan refreshment stall next to the multi-faith prayer tent behind the cricket pavilion. The glutenfree aubergine ciabatta is to die for, people! The veggies come direct from the greenhouse on Jeremy’s own allotment.
Oh, Jeremy Corbyn! Oh, Jeremy Corbyn!
No gammon, I promise! We’re also showcasing some exciting local talent, from right here in the Tottenham area. I know you’ll give a big Momentum welcome to gangsta rappers Mandem Posse, starring Mark Duggan’s Auntie Carole, with their No 1 smash hit, No Justice, No Peace.
No justice, No peace! No justice, No peace!
It’s a riot, comrades! Later we’ll be treated to a daredevil display by the former East German Stasi Motorcyle Team, featuring our dear leader Jeremy Corbyn himself, with the wonderful Diane Abbott on pillion.
Oh, Jeremy Corbyn! Oh, Jeremy Corbyn!
our friends from Hamas will be staging a traditional Holy Land fireworks display. Ken Livingstone will be on hand to fire the first rocket . . . in the direction of Israel. And we’ll also be welcoming the Hezbollah Folk Dancing Ensemble, sponsored by Kalashnikov.
Hezbollah! Hezbollah! Hezbollah!
Finally, I’d like to thank all 1,800 of you who turned out to support us today. To round off a day of kinder, gentler politics, and to celebrate our glorious victories in the general and local elections, Jeremy will use a flaming copy of the Tory manifesto to light a bonfire with an effigy of Theresa May on top. Altogether now . . .
Oh, Jeremy Corbyn! Oh, Jeremy Corbyn!
Next on the Hugo Chavez stage — the IRA big band