Wel­come to the Tot­ten­ham Jezz Fes­ti­val

Daily Mail - - One Day To Go ... -

NEvER mind the Royal Wed­ding, the hottest ticket in town this sum­mer is the Tot­ten­ham Jezz Fes­ti­val, aka Labour Live. Well, I say ‘hottest ticket’. So far they’ve only sold around 1,800 of the 20,000 avail­able.

It’s be­ing held on June 16 and is billed as the Left-wing ver­sion of Glas­ton­bury, which would seem to be some­what sur­plus to re­quire­ments. Glasto is al­ready the ul­ti­mate Leftie Luvvies’ Love-in.

Who can forget all those right-on, mid­dle­class men and women spilling out of their de­signer te­pees last year to sing along with the dire ‘oh, Jeremy Cor­byn’ an­them.

But there’ll be no Glasto this year. The fes­ti­val is tak­ing a break until 2019 to give the fields time to re­cover from the crowds. (I won­der if farmer Michael Eavis, who owns the land, is get­ting a fat set-aside grant un­der the EU’s Com­mon Agri­cul­tural Pol­icy.)

So Labour has spot­ted a gap in the mar­ket and is stag­ing its own open-air, all- singing, all-danc­ing cel­e­bra­tion of so­cial­ism. Un­like Glas­ton­bury, where the cheap­est ticket cost £243 and well-heeled rev­ellers were pre­pared to fork out up to £14,000 to stay in a lux­ury four-bed­room tent with its own din­ing room, en­try to Labour Live will be just £35.

Nat­u­rally, there will be dis­counts for the un­waged and, pre­sum­ably, il­le­gal im­mi­grants will get in for noth­ing.

My in­ter­est was piqued when I read that the event is to be held at White Hart Lane. Tot­ten­ham Hot­spur’s new £1 bil­lion, state-ofthe-art sta­dium isn’t due to open of­fi­cially until sev­eral weeks af­ter the start of the new foot­ball sea­son in Au­gust and may not be fully op­er­a­tional until oc­to­ber.

Surely Spurs’ chair­man Daniel Levy hasn’t sub-let the half-fin­ished ground to Labour sim­ply to bring in a few bob to­wards a new cen­tre half? Fur­ther in­ves­ti­ga­tion re­vealed that the Tot­ten­ham Jezz Fes­ti­val is not be­ing held at the new home of Harry Kane and com­pany, but at the nearby White Hart Lane Re­cre­ation Ground.

SOUNDS more like it. North Lon­don mu­nic­i­pal parks have a no­ble tra­di­tion of stag­ing big events. A few years ago, Mad­ness at­tracted a crowd of more than 50,000 to a knees-up in Fins­bury Park, just down the road.

When ev­ery­one started bounc­ing up and down to one Step Beyond, it caused an earth­quake mea­sur­ing 4.5 on the Richter Scale.

Some­how, though, I can’t see Jeremy Cor­byn man­ag­ing to make the earth move, es­pe­cially if they have shifted only 1,800 tick­ets.

There’s just a month to go, so they will have to raise their game if they’re go­ing to re­coup the £700,000 the fes­ti­val is re­ported to be cost­ing. The acts booked so far don’t look too promis­ing.

Apart from Jezza and his side­kick John McDon­nell, I’ve never heard of any of them. Still, there’s enough time left to round-up an all-star bill.

The day could go some­thing like this. Your com­pere, from Labour’s Na­tional Ex­ec­u­tive Com­mit­tee, is Ed­die Iz­zard . . . CoM­RADES, broth­ers, sisters, and all of you who de­fine as male, fe­male, trans­gen­dered, or no gen­der at all . . . wel­come to the Tot­ten­ham Jezz Fes­ti­val.

Oh, Jeremy Cor­byn! Oh, Jeremy Cor­byn!

Please be re­as­sured all the pub­lic toi­lets in this park have been re-as­signed as gen­der-neu­tral for the du­ra­tion of this event. And please ac­cept our apolo­gies that none of them are ac­tu­ally open, be­cause of the sav­age Tory cuts.

Boooooooo!!

We would like to apol­o­gise, too, for any de­lay some of you may have ex­pe­ri­enced in get­ting here to­day be­cause of the strike by com­rades on the newly re­na­tion­alised railway line. We also re­gret the can­cel­la­tion of the re­place­ment bus ser­vice, fol­low­ing a walk­out by mem­bers of Unite in sol­i­dar­ity with their com­rades at the RMT.

Here we go, here we go, here we go!

Brother McCluskey will be pass­ing among you with a bucket, so please give gen­er­ously to the hard­ship fund. Jeremy will be join­ing the picket line later tonight.

Oh, Jeremy Cor­byn! Oh, Jeremy Cor­byn!

To­day’s fes­ti­val is brought to you in as­so­ci­a­tion with the Lon­don Bor­ough of Haringey — the first coun­cil in Bri­tain, I am de­lighted to say, to be fully un­der the con­trol of our very own Mo­men­tum. Yeah, that’s right, give it up!

Oh, Jeremy Cor­byn! Oh, Jeremy Cor­byn!

All right! Here’s what we’ve got in store for you to­day. Pretty soon we’ll be wel­com­ing to the Hugo Chavez stage the next Chan­cel­lor of the Ex­che­quer, John McDon­nell, who will be per­form­ing a se­lec­tion of Ir­ish rebel songs, ac­com­pa­nied by the Big Band of the Pro­vi­sional IRA, with Gerry Adams on Thomp­son Gun.

IRA! IRA! IRA!

Com­ing up, too, the TUC Sym­phony orches­tra, soloist Emily Thorn­berry — aka Lady Nugee, Labour’s an­swer to Lady Gaga — who will be re­work­ing that old Strawbs clas­sic, You Don’t Get Me, I’m Part of A Cus­toms Union . . .

Till the day I die, till the day I die!

oK, we’re cook­ing with gas — es­pe­cially if it comes from the Soviet Union! Let’s make to­day a ‘hos­tile en­vi­ron­ment’ for Tory scum.

Tory scum! Tory scum! Tory scum!

If all this ex­cite­ment is giv­ing you an appetite, you’ll find the ve­gan re­fresh­ment stall next to the multi-faith prayer tent be­hind the cricket pav­il­ion. The gluten­free aubergine cia­batta is to die for, peo­ple! The veg­gies come di­rect from the green­house on Jeremy’s own al­lot­ment.

Oh, Jeremy Cor­byn! Oh, Jeremy Cor­byn!

No gam­mon, I prom­ise! We’re also show­cas­ing some ex­cit­ing lo­cal tal­ent, from right here in the Tot­ten­ham area. I know you’ll give a big Mo­men­tum wel­come to gangsta rap­pers Man­dem Posse, star­ring Mark Dug­gan’s Aun­tie Ca­role, with their No 1 smash hit, No Jus­tice, No Peace.

No jus­tice, No peace! No jus­tice, No peace!

It’s a riot, com­rades! Later we’ll be treated to a dare­devil dis­play by the for­mer East Ger­man Stasi Mo­tor­cyle Team, fea­tur­ing our dear leader Jeremy Cor­byn him­self, with the won­der­ful Diane Ab­bott on pillion.

Oh, Jeremy Cor­byn! Oh, Jeremy Cor­byn!

our friends from Ha­mas will be stag­ing a tra­di­tional Holy Land fire­works dis­play. Ken Liv­ing­stone will be on hand to fire the first rocket . . . in the direc­tion of Is­rael. And we’ll also be wel­com­ing the Hezbol­lah Folk Danc­ing Ensem­ble, spon­sored by Kalash­nikov.

Hezbol­lah! Hezbol­lah! Hezbol­lah!

Fi­nally, I’d like to thank all 1,800 of you who turned out to sup­port us to­day. To round off a day of kinder, gen­tler pol­i­tics, and to cel­e­brate our glo­ri­ous vic­to­ries in the gen­eral and lo­cal elec­tions, Jeremy will use a flam­ing copy of the Tory man­i­festo to light a bon­fire with an ef­figy of Theresa May on top. Al­to­gether now . . .

Oh, Jeremy Cor­byn! Oh, Jeremy Cor­byn!

Next on the Hugo Chavez stage — the IRA big band

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