I’ve ditched my feckless lover but I’m stuck with my mean husband

DEAR BEL,

I LEFT my family five years ago, as they didn’t approve of my husband. I am (non-practising) Muslim, he is white Christian.

Since then I’ve had an OK relationship with my parents, but none at all with my sisters and brother. I felt abandoned, but slowly the pain eased, as I had a beautiful son and life moved on.

Things became very difficult at one point during our marriage and my husband would get very abusive towards me. My family would have laughed because I brought ‘shame’ on them.

During this bad time I met a guy through work (I have a business) and our friendship quickly became an affair.

I thought he wanted to leave his girlfriend, as there were constant arguments. Then he went travelling with her for six months. We kept in touch and, once he was back, we saw each other again.

He moved in with her, because (he said) he had no money or savings. He hinted about living with me. Once he said we could be so happy together and that he felt so much love for my son. So I thought things were serious, but days later he was cold and distant.

It went on like that. He’d encourage me, then go cold, but not let me end it. Finally, in July, he told me his girlfriend was unexpectedly pregnant. I cried and cried because I wanted a future with him and thought he did, too. He begged me to help him, as he was very upset at this unexpected news.

It was so painful. I know you will call this karma, but my husband is no saint. Sometimes I feel I am only wanted for sex, to look after his child and the business.

Then my lover and I saw each other again. I tried many more times to break free, but couldn’t.

Once his child was born, he messaged me occasionally, but I’d had enough and told him not to contact me again.

I’m happy it’s over, but sad to let go of that fantasy future together. I should add that I lent him thousands of pounds (he still owes me over £1,000). Once I transferred the money, he was distant again. He had a gambling problem and was in serious debt.

I run a thriving business and thought he needed to save whatever he had for his baby. I was happy to see him, so money didn’t even matter, but I think he used me for a bit of fun on the side and money when he needed some.

My husband is very good with money, and is a good father, but I don’t feel loved or appreciated by him at all. Now I feel very sad and everything around me looks grey.

I’ve lost a stone and don’t find anything interesting. I would love to hear what you have to tell me.

MARYAM

Your uncut letter left out one key piece of information — whether your husband knows what’s been going on. I’m guessing he doesn’t. The other thing I’d like to know is what you mean by ‘abusive’.

I suspect you’re talking about having furious rows — because I’m sure you’d have said if he hit you (but if he has, you must seek outside help).

You also say you ‘don’t feel loved or appreciated by him at all’ which is (from this column’s perspective) not unusual. But that unhappy feeling does not add up to abuse, in the serious sense of that word.

I make these fine points because the true state of your marriage matters. You say you want to hear what I have to tell you, but you may not like it. It hinges on doing something about this marriage — for the sake of all three of you.

Let’s go back. You were brave to marry your husband for love against the wishes of your family, but it must have been a very lonely time, putting a strain on the marriage. Your happiness at the birth of your baby must have been tempered by sadness that he would not know his aunts and uncles.

Perhaps this was the point (and it wouldn’t surprise me if you experienced some postnatal depression) when the rows began.

You were vulnerable. Perhaps your husband was less than sympathetic. You need to look back with honesty to move forward. Then you met the lover who was to manipulate and exploit you for one and a half years. running a business, deceiving your husband, caring for your child — and having your heart used as a football by the heartless cheat — you were again vulnerable, as well as romantic, deluded and foolish.

That you kept giving him money all the while is mind-boggling — and yet the feeling of being needed is seductive, even if it’s a lie.

You craved attention from your husband; the lover gave it to you when it suited him. Did you really believe he wanted to live with you? Now you miss the fantasy — but you have to wake up.

I’m sorry, but I find your description of your state of mind somewhat feeble. Everything ‘looks grey’, nothing is ‘interesting’. really? Have you seen this glorious spring? Are you actually allowing that exploitative man to blot out the beauty of the world?

And, tell me, what happens when your son comes home from school and shows you a picture he painted? Are you helping him with his letters? Do you play games with him? Aren’t his smiles and words ‘interesting’?

If you re-focus on your family in the months to come, your husband might ‘appreciate’ you as you crave — not as a romantic dreamer, but as a good mother and strong woman who refuses to live in a silly fantasy, but builds her business, rebuilds her marriage (consider counselling with relate, even on your own), and acts as a brilliant parent in charge of her own life.