He’s jealous of my success and it’s ruining our sex life
Solve your sex, love & life troubles
TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 53, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .
QI AM IN my early 50s and happily married.
However, there has been a lot of tension since I got promoted at work. The increased pressure has meant longer hours, so it’s near 9pm when I get home. By this time, my husband is usually asleep on the sofa with the TV on, a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. He hardly ever saves me dinner!
Then he berates me for coming home so late. I can tell a part of him resents my new job and the impact it’s having on our relationship. We haven’t had sex in months, because I’m always so exhausted.
I feel like our lives are out of sync. But I love my job and want him to be more supportive. What should I do?
STEPH SAYS:
Oh dear! Male ego alert! There’s a lot going on here, but it’s mostly about your husband’s ego. I feel he is acting like a spoilt brat.
I’m assuming you’ve now become the greater earner and the balance of power has tipped away from him. and he doesn’t like it. It’s making him feel inadequate.
So, do I think you should massage his ego? Puff him up a bit? absolutely not! Why should you apologise for your success? You’re a modern woman — supposedly a modern couple! You’ve both been working in an equal partnership. It’s not like you’ve spent the last however many years waving him off to work in a frilly apron.
Jealousy is a destructive and taboo emotion — especially between husband and wife. We all know the green-eyed monster is something we have to work hard to rein in. and your husband more than most.
he doesn’t want to do the washing up? Well, now there’s a surprise.
You’re going to tell me off for generalising, I know, but, God, men can be so lazy! he now thinks he’s got the perfect excuse to do nothing around the house — and it’s somehow your fault for being successful? I don’t think so.
In my eyes, even worse than leaving the washing up is not saving you any supper. That’s just spiteful. every toddler knows you have to share — he’s hiding his sweeties from you. and it’s not terribly attractive is it?
You say you haven’t had sex for months because you’re exhausted. I’m equally sure you don’t want to have sex. Men talk about women witholding sex as a punishment. That’s such a common misperception. It’s a response to his behaviour. You are closing down emotionally.
I think your husband needs to be very careful. he’s being totally unsupportive and punishing you for being the best you can be. This should be a positive time in your life, and the person who is supposed to want the best for you is turning it into a negative.
You need to call him out. harness some of the strength that has earned you this fantastic promotion and tell him what he needs to hear.
Point out how destructive his
behaviour is, and how you are constantly striving for the best for your family. But you need — and deserve — his support. If not, you might as well be doing it on your own. Piles of dishes in the sink, going to bed hungry and no sex are symptoms of a far bigger problem. deal with it before it escalates.
DOM SAYS: FIrST, congratulations on your promotion! how very exciting. More responsibility, more pressure, more money — but, sadly, it seems — more resentment at home. he is jealous of your job, because it is taking you away from him. It is taking you elsewhere. he is acting like a petulant child. and more than that, he is not looking after you, which is, after all, his job! he is making it very, very clear that he thinks you believe your job is more important than he is. It’s not necessarily his fault that he feels like this, but it is his fault that he’s acting like this. What you need to do is talk, talk and talk some more. and you need to try to find practical solutions. Your hours seem terribly long. are you sure you can’t get everything done between 9 and 5? Might you be able to reorganise a bit? This is having a serious impact on your husband. are you sure it’s reasonable of you to expect your husband to come home after his day at work and start chopping and prepping and cooking? Why should he take on all of the kitchen chores? It seems to me that he thinks you’re ignoring him, so he’s decided to show you he’s not happy! he’s sending you a clear — and messy — message every night. The sink full of dirty dishes spells out: ‘I’m ignoring you’! he feels neglected, so he’s neglecting you right back. The love is still there — you have less time in your new job, but not less love for your husband! he needs to know that. You say you never have sex any more because you’re exhausted. Well, I wonder if he even tries any more? I’d be very surprised if, having spent the evening grumpy and alone, he wants to make love. It’s clear he’s feeling neglected, but he has to stop behaving like he’s 12. he probably feels he has a new wife and was happy with the old one. We are creatures of habit and you need to create a new routine. You don’t say in your letter, but it’s possible you’re earning more than your husband now. and it is terribly wrong of him, but he’s probably feeling cut away at the knees as a result. It’s an old-fashioned and incorrect attitude, but if that’s what he’s feeling, it doesn’t matter if he’s right or wrong, you need to know about it. Life has changed for both of you, and you have to work out a new regime. You need to figure out how to be a team again. You both need to find a new happy medium. and if you can’t, it might become a question of what is more important to you — your new job or your old man?
IF YOU have a question you’d like Steph and Dom to tackle, write to steph anddom@dailymail.co.uk