After the beep, enter your cat’s maiden name
The greeter at the summer garden party couldn’t have been more welcoming. ‘ how can we help you?’ she said. ‘Got a question?’
‘No’ I said. ‘I’ve just come for the party.’
‘Just give us your Frequently Asked Question or KeYWORD,’ she replied, ‘and we’ll return the relevant answer. We’re all about giving back.’
‘Actually,’ I said, ‘I don’t have any questions today, thank you.’
‘Confused?’ she said. ‘Find out more by giving us your password! That way, we can all do our bit to help the environment.’
‘ B bbut I don’t have a password.’ ‘Forgotten your password?’ ‘I never had one.’ ‘Then we’ll provide you with a new password.’ ‘But I never had one.’ ‘ What was your grandmother’s maiden name? What was the name of your first pet? What was your second pet’s grandmother’s fourth password?’
It was the annual summer party for the Institute for Internet Irritants, sponsored by Virgin. Behind me, the queue was growing longer.
‘I really just want to get into the party,’ I said. ‘Unhappy? Tell us why.’ ‘No, I’m not unhappy.’ ‘Awesome! What are you getting in touch about? Inquiry? Complaint? Feedback? Something else?’ ‘None of them, thank you.’ ‘ These required fields are mandatory.’
For some reason, I often experience trouble getting into the Institute for Internet Irritants’ Summer Party. But yesterday, after ten minutes of toing and froing, I was admitted to the first room, where my path was cut off by another greeter.
‘We want to make sure you’re feeling TOTALLY AWeSOMe when you arrive,’ she said, ‘and that’s why we’re inviting you to TAKe OUR SURVeY! That way, you can let us know all about your greeting experience. We welcome your feedback!’
‘To be honest, I’d rather not complete a survey. I’d really just prefer to get into the party, if that’s possible.’
‘It only takes two minutes of your time, and then you’ll be entered into a PRIZe DRAW — your chance to win an invitation to our summer party!’
‘But I’ve already got one,’ I snapped. ‘That’s why I’m here!’
‘Unhappy? Tell us why! Your complaint is important to us.’
‘It’s just that I’ve been invited to this party — and now I’m not being let in.’
‘Forgotten your password? Let us know!’
It was only another 20 minutes before I somehow managed to get into the party. A host came to welcome me.
‘Join the conversation!’ he said. ‘Get to know us! We are passionate about being a responsible summer party that treats people with dignity and respect. We do not tolerate slavery, human trafficking or discrimination. They have no place at our party.’
‘Fair enough!’ I replied. ‘Actually, could you tell me where I could find a drink?’ Suddenly, my host stood stock still, with no expression on his face. At this point, I noticed a little ball above his head, spinning round and round. ‘Apologies,’ said an assistant. ‘ he’s buffering. Oops!’
After two minutes, my host recovered. ‘Join the conversation!’ he repeated. ‘ Thank you very much,’ I said. ‘And I’d love a drink, too.’ ‘Register now to find the drink best suited to your needs: a flexidrink, a VIP drink, a super offpeak drink, an advanced leisure drink, an anytime drink, a . . .’
‘I just want a drink!’ I whimpered.
‘how can we help you? Got a question? It’ll only take a second!’
After no more than five minutes, my request had registered. But the questions were far from over.
‘Do you want a glass or similar container with your drink? This service is on special offer for a supersaver VIP fee of just £4.25. And for just £17.50, we guarantee no other guests will drink out of your very own designated glass. Awesome!’
I felt these options were unusual, until I discovered that this side of the party was sponsored by Ryanair.
Just under £30 later, I was ready to join the conversation. I approached one of the hosts. ‘Lovely party,’ I said. ‘Oops,’ he replied. ‘ You have used up your conversational quota for this month. Register to continue. Forgotten your password?’