BEWARE ‘PAIN SHOPPING’

WHEN you suspect you’ve been betrayed by your spouse, you may feel an almost irresistible urge to cause yourself even more pain by seeking out damning evidence of their infidelity.

In my experience, people spend sleepless nights reviewing phone records, going through pockets or sneaking on to their other half’s computer.

And I understand why betrayed spouses would do this. However, this relentless hunt for the sordid details may devolve into what experts call ‘pain shopping’ — because you are looking for further heartache.

While it’s understandable behaviour, ultimately it’s counter-productive.

‘Pain shopping’ is the mind’s way of trying to understand how someone you trusted could hurt you. There are few traumas in life as devastating as discovering that your partner has been cheating.

I’ve had several patients contemplate suicide after learning of a spouse’s infidelity.

One ended up in a psychiatric hospital, tied to a trolley.

It’s not because their spouse was so wonderful, it’s because their deeply human need to feel loved has been disrupted. Just as love is the strongest

addiction — the most intense stimulator of the brain’s reward system — losing love can plunge us into painful withdrawal and panic.

Constant scrutiny of emails, credit card bills and the like turns people into what I call ‘surveillance monsters’.

Turning into a dogged Sherlock Holmes is more likely to destroy a marriage than help it, not to mention the distress — so it’s important for the cheated-on spouse to exercise the self-control necessary to keep themselves from digging for painful detail. Doing so can only bring anguish and pose a barrier to any possible reconciliation.