My grown-up daughter is so lonely

DEAR BEL, MY DAUGHTER (37) is beautiful and intelligent (a qualified teacher), but cannot work and is so lonely and depressed it breaks my heart.

She suffers from panic attacks and depression and because of this has no friends, no social life and no partner. She has a long-standing friend, a virtual recluse also plagued by mental health issues. He promises her the world, but continually lets her down and is emotionally abusive. She will not walk away, as he is the only person she has.

Her so-called friends constantly let her down — rarely contacting her and then cancelling any arrangements to meet at the last minute. She goes out of her way to be kind and thoughtful, but does not get the same response from them. She is not an easy person, as she has structured ideas. Her illness means she has to live with boundaries, however I cannot tell you how hard she tries to live a ‘normal’ life.

She has had all the normal treatments for her condition, but nothing worked. Her make-up, unfortunately, is in her genes.

We have supported her all her life, but fear she is going to be single and lonely always. I cannot tell you how painful it is for us as parents.

She has two siblings with children and is so good with them. But as families they get on with their lives and she’s on the sidelines.

What can we do for her? We just want her to be cared for and have a settled life with children of her own. Do you have any ideas? EILEEN

BelIeve me, I can easily imagine how hard it is for you as parents — because I, too, have a daughter that age and feel any problem she has like an ache (or a stab) in my heart. At the moment, one of my friends is enduring serious, complicated problems with one of her adult daughters that seem intractable. That’s what being a parent is like — and it never ends. How I feel for you.

It’s so difficult for me to give advice here, because you tell me ‘ she has had all the normal treatments for her condition but nothing worked’. I imagine by ‘ normal treatments’ you mean referrals from her GP for counselling, or even drugs.

Has she tried cognitive behavioural therapy? It has been seen to work in circumstances like these.

I am sure you know all these things already, but the websites anxiety.org.uk and nopanic.org.uk may be useful, and the mental health charity MIND has a free document that includes some useful tips (go to mind.org.uk and search for CBT).

It seems obvious that your daughter’s boyfriend (I use the term as shorthand) is toxic. I can guess how much you wish he would just go away, yet realise you are powerless to make that happen.

It sounds as if she has always had problems forming healthy relationships. I’m wondering if she has ever tried yoga — a spiritual, mental and physical practice that engages the whole self and helps achieve good breathing that’s absolutely essential. Pilates can help with that, too.

These are potential ‘remedies’ you may not find suggested by a GP, so it might be an idea for you to find out what is on offer around where you live — and possibly accompany her to some sessions. You never know, something like that could let a gleam of light enter her life. ‘New Age’ philosophies and remedies have their place.

Might I just question two things in your letter? You attribute her problems to ‘her genes’ — which may or may not be true (I am no expert on mental health and genetics), but such fatalism contradicts the spirit in which you wrote.

You have to go on believing that your daughter can be helped, that change is possible, that whatever wound in her innermost self has caused her state can, in time, be healed.

The second point is your wistful longing that she can ‘ have a settled life with children of her own’. I don’t honestly think it does you any good to dwell on that dream, because it will only intensify your sadness at the worrisome present.

Far better to survey the situation one day at a time — otherwise it becomes overwhelming. Why not take your daughter out to lunch to talk things through? Present her with a pretty notebook and ask her to write down her thoughts each day, to tether them. This is a useful therapy. Then suggest an activity (as above) you can maybe share. And never lose hope.