TRACES

of meat have been found in some supermarket vegan and vegetarian ready-meals. Tesco’s vegan macaroni contained turkey and there was pork in Sainsbury’s ‘meat-free’ meatballs.

Quite right, too. Who ever heard of ‘ meat- free’ meatballs? And why would anyone want to buy them, let alone eat them?

I’ve never understood why vegans and vegetarians want their dinners to look as if they contain meat, even when they don’t.

Nut cutlets? Quorn sausages? What’s that all about? When I sit down to a juicy ribeye on the bone, I don’t want it to look like a plate of broccoli. Come to think of it, I’m not that sold on fish, unless it’s deep-fried or smoked with a couple of eggs.

At a formal dinner, I waved away the poached salmon. The waiter asked if I’d like the vegetarian alternative.

‘I thought salmon was the vegetarian alternative,’ I said.

As my old mate Steve always insists: If God had intended us to eat prawns, he’d have put them on dry land, given them hooves and made them go: ‘Moo!’