Splitting from my partner cost me my darling stepdaughter
Solve your sex, love & life troubles
TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 53, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems...
QI’M 54 and recently split from my partner. It was definitely the right decision: things were awful towards the end.
The problem is that I’ve also lost my relationship with his lovely 16-year-old daughter (from his first marriage). When we met, she was only six, but over the past ten years, she became a huge part of my life. She spent every other weekend with us — I don’t have children, so I treated her like my own.
Now her father doesn’t want me to communicate with her. The worst part is I haven’t been able to see her since the split, so I’m worried she thinks I’ve abandoned her. I feel like I am grieving. What can I do?
STEPH SAYS:
My instinctive response is that the animosity your ex is now showing means you’ve had a lucky escape. A nasty ending is never pleasant, but for most of us, it’s far harder to go than it is to stay. So well done for getting out.
However, while you feel sure it’s the right decision, it does mean you’re enduring a world of pain.
I t’s important you acknowledge that. You say you feel like you’re grieving. Well, I’m sure you are.
What you’re going through must be agonising, not to mention terrifically lonely. You have treated this girl as your own for ten years. That’s ten years of presents, pickups from parties, pizzas on the sofa and pure, unadulterated love.
You are not her mum, but it doesn’t mean you don’t love her, and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. Your relationship is valid and valuable and you have every right to fight for it — and for her.
You are, quite rightly, worried about her. She is only 16 and we all know how delicate the emotional and mental health of teenagers can be. Especially teenage girls.
Her father may have a callous and cavalier attitude towards her relationship with you, but that’s no reason for you to back down. However, there’s no point in creating extra tension and difficulty, so I’d cut him out of the loop. He hasn’t shown any respect towards your relationship. There’s no reason for you to kow-tow to him.
She’s 16, so I’d imagine she’s a prolific social media user — why not send her a message on Facebook? That way, you’ll know she’s read it.
Tell her all the things you want her to know. That she’s the daughter you never had. That you love her. That you haven’t just left her.
Whatever you do, do not be disrespectful to her father, or badmouth him in any way, but do make it clear that it wasn’t your decision not to see her.
Then, it’s up to her to choose. She might decide to continue chatting to you on social media, she might not. She might even tell her father, causing all manner of fireworks. Fine. What matters is that she will know you haven’t abandoned her.
Your stepdaughter’s well-being is your goal. The last thing this young woman needs is to feel you’ve dropped her and couldn’t care less. Let her know this couldn’t be further from the truth.
DOM SAYS:
The end of any relationship is always difficult, especially one that’s lasted for a decade, so I’m sorry you’re in such a miserable place. And I’m also sorry your relationship didn’t end on amicable terms. The loss of a partner is one thing, but the loss of your stepdaughter quite another. While your relationship with your ex-partner is over, your relationship with his daughter is not necessarily over. It is on hold, though. You should be very honest with yourself about your predicament. This may be unpalatable, but you simply have to leave well alone. You must write two letters. First, to your former partner. Be honest, but pleasant. Tell him you hope things won’t always be acrimonious between you. That you hope in time to become friends — and to be given a window back into his daughter’s life. Explain that you still love her very much. Write a second letter to his daughter, care of her mother. Tell her you love her and miss her. Explain to her how sad you are that things have fallen apart in the way they have and make it clear that you hope that in time she will approach you. Tell her you will always want to rebuild your relationship, if and when she is ready. Then sit back and wait; it may be some years. Perhaps it will help to remember that the late teens and early 20s are, naturally, the growing-apart years. Even if you were still with her dad and spending every other weekend with her, that would diminish over time. Her hormones and emotions will be everywhere and she’ll be putting distance between her parents and herself. But she will, of course, still love them. You will do well to remember that when you write: the fatherdaughter dynamic is precious and fraught with pitfalls. Do not go anywhere near it! If you say anything detrimental about her father at all, you’ll be on a hiding to nothing. So be calm, write carefully and keep your focus on your relationship with your ex’s daughter. This, I’m afraid, is a waiting game. Get on with your life, build yourself back up, focus on making yourself happy and expanding your social circle. Hopefully, in time, this lovely girl will become part of it again.