We fear a gold-digger’s after Mum

Most of us feel entitled to some ‘ say’ in family matters, because (after all) we are a part of the lives of those we love, and vice versa. opinions should, of course, always be voiced with tact — and the failure to do so causes great discord.

Adult children sometimes object to parents’ new relationships from a wish to control — as well as because they’re concerned.

they can be jealous on behalf of the dead parent, as well as anxious about inheritance issues.

But I’m not feeling this is the main motivation of your letter — although naturally you’re alarmed at the prospect of your mother being ‘taken over’ by this (to you) stranger. (For example, see the letter, above.)

Your mother hardly knows the man and yet he is already making demands.

It’s not too cynical to say that a guy who immediately decides he wants to leave his wife of 28 years because he has hooked up with a very rich widow is . . . well . . . not to be trusted.

Are those church — or alarm bells — ringing? Yes, he may be head over heels in love with her and she with him.

Yes, this relationship could become a deep and satisfying companionship as well as a love affair. Yes, their shared faith may ensure a lasting commitment. Yes, it would be wrong to write him off as a gold-digger with no evidence.

But you are absolutely correct to say it’s all too fast. this man has no right to exploit the infatuation of an older woman by telling her he’s more or less entitled to put his boots under her table and his head on her pillow in one seamless movement, as soon as his poor wife is ditched.

No right at all. the more I think of it the worse it seems.

Does your mother have a best friend you could take into your confidence? she really needs somebody outside the family to talk seriously about what’s going on. to suggest caution. to predict that this man is likely to go for a quick divorce then suggest marriage, which means that in ten years’ time, when Mum is old, he could ditch her as easily as he now intends to abandon his wife.

How can anyone know a man after just four months? Your mother must tell him she would not wish to be seen by the Church as the person who broke up a marriage.

therefore, if he wishes to leave his wife he should find a bedsit or flat — and she will help him a little with the rent, as well as accompanying him to buy bits and bobs.

she should suggest this as a fun thing they could do together — creating a cosy retreat, a love nest her family will not visit (unlike her home) but she can.

If he accepts this as a sensible plan for the immediate future then she can be safe in the knowledge that he is a decent man.

But if he refuses, well, that will indicate that he is not.