Why is my friend furious that I now have a great sex life?
Solve your sex, love & life troubles
TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 53, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .
QI’M 59 and have recently met a wonderful new man — something I never thought would happen after a messy divorce six years ago. We’ve now been together for eight months and I honestly can’t believe my luck.
The problem is that it’s creating tension with my best friend. To be blunt, she is jealous of my sex life.
A few weeks ago she asked how things were going. I told her how I was head over heels for him and that he was great in bed.
She completely freaked out. It turns out that she and her husband haven’t had sex in years. She got really defensive and accused me of trying to show off. We’ve avoided each other ever since.
I feel bad for her situation, but am also upset that she can’t be happy for me. What should I do?
STEPH SAYS:
First, let me say how brave I think you are for finding love again at 59. Frankly, it can be terrifying.
You’ve had to pick yourself up after a bruising divorce and get out there. I salute you. It tells me you’re a strong woman. Good — because you’re going to need to be now.
We’ve all experienced a jealous friend who can’t adjust when life smiles on us.
Usually, this happens when we’re young. But now, with so many people finding love later in life, it’s happening again and again.
We all understand it to a certain extent. Change, even positive change, is destabilising. In this instance, it will have made your friend examine exactly what she’s missing out on in her own marriage. That’s not easy.
But neither is it easy to have got out there and found a new life for yourself.
While you’re gloriously happy, you may still have moments of insecurity about your new relationship. All you need is support from your friend, not for her to curl her lip at you. There are unwritten rules in friendships and she’s breaking them.
Be totally honest with her — over a magnum of prosecco — and tell her how badly she’s made you feel. Tell her you realise she might be upset, and that you know you may be asking too much of her to be wholeheartedly happy for you.
Then see what happens — but prepare yourself.
We’re fed a diet of nonsense wherein our female friendships triumph over everything. And the good ones do. But not all of our friendships are happy or healthy. Women can be beastly to each other and deliberately mess things up for one another.
If this friend can’t join you on the next chapter of your journey, then you might well have to cut her loose. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. You don’t need to apologise. You just need to be happy.
If she decides to throw her toys out of the pram, leave her to it. At 59, you understand time is limited and you want to spend it wisely. You haven’t got four nights a week to spend in the pub listening to her whinge.
You are not responsible for making your friend feel good about herself, but you are responsible for your own happiness. It’s time to prioritise it. DOM SAYS: I’m very happy that you’ve found love again and I wish you all the best in your new relationship. But this is one of those questions where I find myself having to throw my hands up and say: ‘God, women are baffling!’ Whether what your friend has done is right or wrong, I cannot for the life of me understand why you’d discuss your sex life with anyone other than the person you’re having the sex with. I would never dream of asking a friend — male or female — about how things were going in the bedroom. It’s beyond the pale: a total no-go zone where men are concerned. People might think that’s a stiff upper lip attitude, but I think it shows a respect for the relationship. Sex is an expression of love, deeply intimate and the most private of matters. These days people think it’s OK to ask about it, and OK to tell. But I really don’t think it is. Among my friends, it is absolutely verboten. That said, your friend asked how things are going and you, rather bullishly, chose to answer — in detail. You gave her far too much information. She may well be happy for you that all is hunky dory, but it’s cast rather a pall over her own situation. She’s been married for years, so it’s hardly surprising she’s no longer swinging from the chandeliers. I think you might have been a little more sensitive. Now, she feels jealous and disappointed in her poor husband. I wouldn’t mention your sex life again. If she brings it up, I’d play it down. After all, it does seem a bit like you’re boasting. Consider this: if you had a shiny new sports car and she was still driving an old banger, would you have droned on and on about how amazing your new motor was? Of course not, because that would be poor form. Apply the same principle when it comes to the bedroom and give the poor woman a break.