I helped my dad write his memoir (and so can you)
He was bored and lonely after retiring, until his daughter’s thoughtful gift made him realise he had a story to tell
Eve Makis is telling me how her new book The Accidental Memoir came out of a gesture of love for her father.
‘It started out with a dilemma. I call it “the Christmas conundrum” — what present do you get your father?’ she says, with a laugh. ‘I wanted to give my dad something personal and more imaginative than a pair of socks or a new wallet. He is nearly 80, a private, dignified man who doesn’t like expensive or impractical gifts.’
She loved her father George dearly, but had never heard him talk about his emotions — ever. ‘Then suddenly I had a eureka moment: why didn’t I encourage him to write his story?’
She decided to buy George a special notebook and fill it with ‘life writing prompts’ — simple questions about his early years to help tease out his story.
eve, 50, knew her father was at a crossroads in his life. Having spent 50 years running a fish shop with his wife Fanula — both much-loved figures in their Nottingham community — he’d had to retire because of ill health. He was bored and lonely.
‘My dad was going through a difficult time; he was dogged by rheumatoid arthritis and feeling quite low. My mother was worried about him. I wanted to help him feel better about himself. I wanted to make him feel treasured.’
As an award-winning novelist and creative writing teacher at Nottingham Trent University, eve is used to helping others tell their story. And she knew her father had led a fascinating life in his homeland of Cyprus before arriving in Britain in 1960, aged just 19.
But would George, a man of few words, feel comfortable enough to open up to his university-educated daughter?
She ran the idea of the notebook past her husband.
‘He was really positive about it. Then I rang my colleague, Anthony Cropper, who was then head of creative writing at Nottingham University. He’s a writer, too, and he said, “Yes let’s do it, I’m on board.” ’
Together they used their expertise to devise key questions that would help her father access his memories. They filled an A5 Notebook with short writing exercises for him — such as ‘List the ten things you find most annoying’, ‘Write down a verse from your favourite song’, and ‘Is there someone you miss?’
There were also exercises on change (‘Have you ever wanted to escape a situation? Attended an excruciating dinner party or wedding?).
Of course eve was already familiar with the bones of her father’s life. George grew up in Cyprus, the son of a rural constable. His mother had nine children, only three surviving beyond childhood.
The family shared their home with their horse, which acted as their central heating in winter. It had been a tough, unsentimental childhood. But she had little idea about his inner life.
‘He’s a man who’s not very communicative; he doesn’t talk, by his own admission.’ When she presented George with the notebook on Christmas Day 2016, he seemed underwhelmed. ‘But I could tell from a sparkle in his eye that he felt special I’d gone to the effort of making something for him.’
A month later, he brought the notebook to her house. ‘I think he was quietly proud of what he’d done.’
ASeve began reading, she was astonished. ‘He’d written about events I knew nothing about, and in a way I didn’t expect him to write. He mentioned people he missed, his favourite music ( a romantic Greek love song), the cars he had owned, childhood memories, little gems about his village. I’m a novelist so I ask my parents questions all the time,’ she admits. ‘But there were lots of things I didn’t know.
‘His stories were all written in blunt pencil. But that didn’t matter. The book wasn’t about precision or grammar or spelling or any of the things that take the joy out of writing.’
Poignantly he wrote about a younger brother who had died in his arms. George was told not to bother wasting time mourning for his baby brother — that God would send another.
When George was six, his father tried to take him out of school to earn a living. His teacher — and fellow villagers — protested because he was a gifted pupil. He was allowed to stay, but was told every evening by his father: ‘You should have been a shepherd.’
He was eventually pulled out of school and became an electrician bringing electricity to his village, and worked on an invention for a petrol-free engine. eve’s not quite sure it ever worked, but he drew diagrams in his notebook.
As a young, idealistic man, George fought in the war against British colonial rule in Cyprus. Later, in 1959 when Cyprus got its independence, he was able to emigrate to the UK.
He arrived with just £5 in his pocket and spent his first night in a telephone box.
It was a time of prejudice, recalls eve.
‘My dad encountered guesthouse signs that read “No Irish, No Dogs and No Cypriots”, but he was entrepreneurial and tough. He got a job in a restau-
rant, then later opened a fish frying business.’ Eve’s mother joined him in the UK (they had married in Cyprus when she was 16) and they settled in Nottingham where Eve, her brother and sister were born.
Tragically, in 1974 George’s beloved older brother Andreas (Eve’s uncle) was captured and killed in the Turkish invasion of Cyprus. George later had to go back to the island to identify his remains in the place where they kept the bones of the missing.
In his memoir, her father writes that he felt ‘a shudder going through my body’, and that he genuinely believed his dead brother would talk to him.
Eve wipes a tear, as she reads me the account. ‘These are the wounds that are still carried,’ and details her father would never have shared without her memoir aid. Despite never attending secondary school, her father made sure his children got a good education in the UK — Eve took a degree in journalism, then worked as a freelance writer and radio producer — and helped all his children buy houses.
‘He worked long hours with the dream of giving his children the solid foundation he never had.’
George never considered he’d done anything remarkable.
‘My dad probably felt his life was quite boring. But actually the book’s about what is underneath the everyday. You might see my father hobbling along the street, a little old man in a flat cap, but there’s so much going on beneath the surface.’
When she told her dad his writing was just as good as some of her creative writing students, he said: ‘Huh, I don’t reckon anything of it.’ But he kept going. After he’d filled in the sections, Eve typed her father’s memories and arranged them as a narrative. Soon, a memoir began to take shape.
‘ The notebook is just the scaffolding to help people recall events in their life,’ she says.
She and Anthony decided to turn the original notebook they’d given George into a manual to help other people write their own story.
‘Like me, Anthony is obsessed with stories and believes in the healing power of writing. His own father was a deep-sea fisherman, who led an adventurous life, but he’s always regretted he didn’t ask him more questions when he was alive.’
They were awarded Arts Council funding to produce a more sophisticated version of her father’s notebook. Last year they printed 300 copies and trialled them ‘in places where people wouldn’t conventionally write’ — homes for the elderly, probation centres and refugee groups.
It proved a resounding success in unearthing stories that otherwise may never have been told. ‘People come alive when you ask them questions. All these stories came spilling out about romances with American GIs and life during the war and fighting with their siblings.’
Eve’s agent showed the ‘manual’ to publishers and they signed a deal with 4th Estate. Published this week, the beautifully illustrated book, The Accidental Memoir: The Remarkable Way to Write Your Own Life Story, is full of easy and creative prompts.
So many of us wish we had encouraged loved ones to tell us their story at the end of their life. Or want to hand on our story to the next generation.
‘Everyone can do it,’ enthuses Eve. ‘ Because everyone is an expert on their own life. Nobody knows it better.’
The book takes you on a journey of self- discovery, from the origins of your family name and earliest memories, to your dreams for the future and how you’d change the world.
‘We’ve tried to cover the gamut of what it is to be human.’
THE
hardback design is colourful. ‘This isn’t a book that says: “Give us your story before you die,”’ laughs Eve. ‘It says: “Let’s celebrate your life.” ’
On each page there are suggestions for follow-up authors to read, from Carol Ann Duffy to Laurie Lee. But it’s not intimidatingly ‘literary’.
George is still writing his book. ‘He says when he writes, it takes him away from his problems and he’s able to express emotions he wouldn’t do normally.’
Even the bad memories are cathartic. ‘ He says: “That’s good because I remember that I went through those things and survived.”’
When his memoir is finished, Eve will show it to her daughter, 19 and son, 11. ‘ Then they can see what grandad’s been up to and what kind of life he’s led.’
Their own father- daughter relationship feels deeper.
‘We spend more quality time together and talk about his memories rather than everyday problems. What I hope is that the book, his stories, this window into his soul, bring him closer, not just to me, but to all his children and grandchildren.’
It is a book for the present and the future, she stresses.
Best of all, George feels his story is not unimportant, that his stories are precious. ‘ Only today, he turned to me and said: “Thank you for the attention.” ’
THE Accidental Memoir by Anthony Cropper and Eve Makis is published by 4th Estate, this Thursday, £12.99.