Sarah Vine’s letter to the girl of 10 branded ugly by internet trolls
Dear Mia Lili,
YOU DON’T know me, and I don’t know you. You are only ten, and I must seem like an old lady. You’re in Norwich, and I’m in London. Yet when I heard about what has happened to you, I felt I just had to write.
For readers who are unfamiliar with your story, let me explain. Bullies took a picture from your Instagram account and set up an online ‘ survey’ asking people to vote on whether they thought you were ugly. Fifty-three per cent responded: ‘Hell ya’.
I know. It beggars belief that anyone could be so cruel, let alone to a child of your age. Your parents say you are so distraught that they have put you on suicide watch. Your mother, Corrinia, says you haven’t stopped crying.
Mia-Lili, listen to me. You may feel like there is no way out for you now, but there is always a way. You will survive this. And you will emerge stronger and happier and a million times better than those sad, pathetic trolls who did this to you.
How do I know this? Because I was bullied for my appearance, and I survived. Because my daughter went through the same thing at her primary school, and she survived. Because all of us girls, in a world that places intolerable pressure on us to be perfect, have at some point felt small and humiliated by other people’s cruel jibes. And somehow we survived. BELIEVE
it or not, I remember what it feels like to be a ten-year-old girl. It’s a really confusing time, when everything seems to be changing and the world, once so simple, can suddenly look complicated and scary.
Eleven marks the move to secondary school. You go from being at the top of the tree to right at the bottom again. Old certainties are replaced by the unknown. It is a great adventure. But it can also be very daunting.
Suddenly, it matters what you say, how you look, what music you like and what trainers you wear. You are no longer trying to please only your teachers and parents; now there’s a whole group of strangers your own age to worry about.
You aren’t the first girl to experience this, nor will you be the last. But you’ve had it worse than most, dear Mia-Lili. And that’s why I’m writing this letter: so you know that what has happened to you is not normal, not something that anyone, let alone a ten-year- old, should have to deal with. That it’s OK to feel sad; but that you must try to see what has happened as less to do with you and more to do with the world in which we live.
In all the controversy around social media, YouTube and Facebook are often cited as the worst offenders. But when it comes to placing young people under pressure, especially young girls, Instagram is, in many ways, so much worse.
It is a pernicious, insidious fantasy world awash with heavily filtered and doctored pictures of people’s seemingly perfect lives.
Suffice to say one of its biggest stars is Kylie Jenner, who has made a fortune out of selling lip gloss to girls and women who want to be like her — yet she has admitted to using fillers.
In other words, Instagram is an illusion where innocence and truth, as you, Mia-Lili, have discovered, is mocked, derided. Because in truth, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you look. But in Instagram-land, where everyone lies about everything and nothing is as it seems, your honesty and innocence mark you out.
You are a real girl in a sea of fakes. If only you had photoshopped your face, or taken your picture from a silly, pouty angle, or put on a sparkly, fairy filter or some such guff, you would have blended in perfectly. HOwEVEr,
because you chose to put up an honest picture, you became the target of bullies. That is the level of perversion that exists on Instagram. You must understand this: it’s not you, Mia-Lili; it’s them. You are the normal one; it’s they who are the freaks.
Your only mistake — and it’s understandable in our modern world — was setting up an Instagram account without your parents’ knowledge. That was naughty. There is a reason why users have to be over 13, and what happened to you illustrates the dangers all too graphically.
But you must not blame yourself: the desire to be popular affects us all. I dare say I would have done the same had Instagram been around when I was your age.
The important thing is not to let the bullies beat you — but to learn from your experience.
Being bullied is horrible, I know. But you have a choice. You can either let it define you, make you into a permanent victim always at the mercy of the next cruel jibe. Or you can dig deep and, with the help of your family and friends, push back and turn your heartache into something positive.
Because, remember, those people who wrote those horrible things about you on Instagram are not representative of humanity.
For all the sad losers like them out there on the internet, there are many more real people in the real world, who are kind and generous and would never dream of shattering an innocent young girl’s confidence for no other reason than their own twisted entertainment.
Of all the people I have met, the nicest and kindest and best are the ones who have had to overcome adversity. who have, like you, been treated unfairly and harshly and who have turned their negative experiences into something good.
Trust me, Mia- Lili. You are beautiful now — and will grow up to be a beautiful young woman and make those bullies eat their words. with the help of your parents and support of your friends, you will put this behind you.
And in years to come, when you are guiding your own children through the same minefield you are negotiating now, you will remember what happened and draw strength from it.
In the meantime, I wish you — and your family — all the very best.