My boyfriend has stopped paying for me now we’re a couple!
Solve your sex, love & life troubles
TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 54, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .
I’M 53 and have been with my boyfriend for a year now. We’re really happy. The only problem is money. When we started seeing each other, he insisted on paying the bill when we went out for dinner, for instance. But a couple of months ago, he suggested we split everything when we go out.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think this is unfair. It’s just good manners for the man to pay. He also has no idea how much these dates cost me. I always get my hair and nails done and wear something nice, which adds up.
I also cook for him a lot and make sure there’s wine if he’s coming over. I don’t expect him to pay for everything, but it would be nice to be treated when we go out. But it’s been so long since I was dating. I was 19 when I met my exhusband and he always paid for everything. Am I being unreasonable?
STEPH SAYS:
WOW! I’ve stepped back to a time when women were perfect housewives wearing pinnies and baking all day. It’s 2018! things have moved on!
I’m baffled as to why you don’t want to be an equal partner. the whole powder-your-nosewhile-he-picks-up-thebill thing is over. Why would you want to portray yourself as subservient? Empower yourself. own your own life — you’re 53!
Women have fought tooth and nail to be considered equals — we’re still battling for equal pay — and women who don’t want to do their bit make it so much harder!
I don’t think I’ve ever used so many exclamation marks, so I’ll calm down. Deep breath...
I wonder if you’re feeling insecure. Do you feel flattered (read: loved) when your boyfriend buys you dinner? Does that, in turn, make you feel safe in your relationship? If so, I can understand how the withdrawal of his wallet may feel like the withdrawal of his affection and make you panic.
But it shouldn’t. What he’s doing, by asking you to pay half, is showing you he is moving your relationship to the next stage. After all, in a marriage, we are equal partners. When you started dating, he wanted to woo you, so he paid. Now you’re an established couple, your lives are intertwined, and, quite naturally, certain aspects of your finances will be, too.
Besides, money can be very complicated in our 50s. If he’s divorced he may be paying a mortgage on a house he doesn’t even live in. And you say you were married before — are you receiving maintenance from your ex? Do you see how it’s not so straightforward?
What worries me is that your attitude may be misinterpreted — you are coming across as a woman who is more interested in her boyfriend’s bank account than his heart. It wouldn’t surprise me if he came to that conclusion and you ended up losing him.
It’s not fair to expect him to subsidise your lifestyle. You should be equal partners in all aspects of your relationship, including the finances. I would have an honest chat — it’s an issue you must work out together. He is right. You should each pay half. the world has changed and we all have to adapt, even if this means paying our own way.
DOM SAYS:
I’M AFRAID the age of chivalry is dying out and it must be disappointing to watch it vanish from right under your nose. However, time moves on, and in this modern world of equality, I believe it’s quite normal. I say that as a man who always picks up the bill in restaurants. If I’m there, Steph has never had to pay despite the fact that our money is definitely our money. our funds are mutual, but it’s inelegant for the lady to be scrabbling around in her bag for a credit card. So I understand it’s rather embarrassing for you to be asked to split the bill. But it is the modern way, and considered perfectly acceptable by many. What isn’t acceptable is for your boyfriend to ask you to split the bill when you are out as a couple, but for you to foot the whole thing when you stay in together. He can’t have his cake and eat it — or in this case, pay for half the dinner he bought in a restaurant and none of the meal you got in a supermarket. And it’s fine for you to tell him that. It’s time for a wallets-on-the-table discussion. Be upfront about how much you spend, but don’t include costs of hairdressing and the like, as that is your choice and one you would make regardless of your boyfriend. You don’t have to buy a new frock, you choose to — it’s a matter of personal pride. Keep the discussion lighthearted and bear in mind that something here has changed. He was once happy to pay, but now he isn’t. Have there been cutbacks at work, perhaps? Is he strapped for cash? If so, then fine — tell him you’d rather he invited you over for pizza and a beer than asked you to go halves in a restaurant. If there’s no difference to his financial circumstances, be prepared for the fact he might be disengaging. there’s no doubt there’s been a change here. It may be financial, but it could also be emotional. It’s best to find out now.