DEAR BEL

I’M IN my 50s, and I’ve been with the same man for 30 years.

My husband has not always been the nicest of men — possessive and self-centred. We’ve always mixed with his friends as he wasn’t keen on mine. So I no longer have any. I felt taken for granted — like he wanted a wife for home and children.

We mostly talk about his stuff. When I talk he says he’s listening but watches TV or walks out of the room. He can be quite aggressive if things don’t go his way, but over the years I accepted it and didn’t want to rock the boat — or he’d sulk and make it my fault.

Many years ago he had an affair. To this day he says it was a mistake, but I think it was my fault or that he feels I’m to blame.

To be fair, he’s mellowed a bit with age — but I wonder sometimes if it’s too late.

I’m ashamed but about four years ago I surprised myself by being attracted to somebody else. I always felt I NEVER would want to be involved with another man as I have no wish to be in the situation I am now.

Anyway, nothing happened apart from mild flirting. I shouldn’t feel like this (and would never hurt my family) but wish I’d had the guts to take it further. I’ve thought about him every day for four years. I’m sure he’s moved on.

I liked him so want him to be happy — but what makes things harder to bear is that I saw him recently and he barely acknowledged me.

Given my low mood, that tore me apart. I now feel he was using me while going through a difficult divorce. So most of the time I feel utterly terrible.

I thought when I wrote this that I’d see my problems as trivial — but no.

I feel so useless, unattractive and disloyal to my husband and children . . . and I can’t move on.