How can I cope with a girlfriend who keeps wallowing in self-pity?

MY PARTNER and I have been together for nearly two years. The first year was long distance, seeing each other at weekends and for holidays. Now we’ve been living together for almost a year. But lately our relationship has gone astray.

We’re in a stressful situation — living in one room (all we can afford — it’s London), with free space and privacy non-existent.

We’ve had several problems with the house, including a disgusting neighbour who’s driven out several tenants already. He is doing his utmost not to be removed.

My partner is stuck in a job she hates. She wants a better one and a nicer place to live — but would also like to move back to her own country. I’m not against this and would join her.

Getting a job there won’t be too hard and life would be cheaper. But we’ve agreed that until the end of August she’ll try for another job in the UK. If she succeeds, we’ll move somewhere better. If not, we’ll move to her home country.

I’m trying to help by proofreading her applications and cover letters. The problem is she hasn’t had much experience in the job market, or enduring any sort of hard time.

She’s applied for various roles and had interviews, but only rejections in return. Her response is to throw a tantrum. She doesn’t want to accept things can be tough — and that perhaps she’s doing something wrong.

She refuses my advice to seek informed help, and just wallows in self-pity — crying instead of doing something about it and moving on.

I try to tell her calmly things will improve in the end, but eventually my patience snaps and (more and more) we end up screaming at each other. Like a child she threatens to ‘leave and never come back’.

She recently refused to go to work (the only source of steady income we have at the moment) and almost didn’t.

I’m a student with a dissertation to complete but I’m behind — and miserable and cross about it. I thought of my partner as mature and assertive, but now it feels that I was wrong.

I’m also moody and go through periods of intense self-loathing.

So my question is, how can I manage this situation best? How can I stop her when these tantrums happen, and prevent myself from escalating them? I assume I can’t fix her, so the responsibility lies with me.

I want to build a life with her but can’t stand this much longer — and feel I may have to leave someone I do still feel affection for over a situation that could be worked out if I was a better person.

AIDAN

YOU are in a tremendously difficult domestic and economic situation which would put a strain on any relationship. it must be especially hard when (a) one of you is not from this country so has to cope with different ways, ( b) the other is trying to finish a demanding piece of academic work which requires peace and concentration, and (c) in truth you do not really know each other very well and have different temperaments.

i have nothing but sympathy for your girlfriend’s employment frustration — a situation thousands of people find themselves in every single day.

There is nothing to be done (as you imply) but to keep trying — and i agree that perhaps she needs to think hard about how she presents in interviews. But it sounds as if she is bad at listening to suggestions.

Your end-of-August deadline will be here quite soon, meaning you have to do some very serious thinking.

let’s focus on you for a moment. You seem willing to take responsibility for this whole situation which feels unfair.

Yes, it would be better all round if you were able to control your temper. For a start, have a look at wikihow.

com/Control-Your-Temper — and use the pictures for guidance.

i suspect you rise to your girlfriend’s negativity because you feel trapped by her — imprisoned in that one room with somebody you don’t, in truth, really understand. You say you think the situation could be ‘worked out’ if you were ‘a better person’ but is it helpful to blame yourself?

Do you feel guilty because she came to this country for your sake? You insist you ‘feel affection’ for your unhappy, difficult girlfriend — but it seems to me you need to ask yourself (and her) whether this is enough to build a future.

it’s noble that you are willing to move to your girlfriend’s country. But before you do so — and perhaps make a mistake in creating a child before you are ready — you must ask yourself if this is how you see the next stage in your life. Sometimes the wisest course of action is the one that seems the saddest. Sometimes, when the romance has died, (as it has between you two?) ending a relationship is the bravest thing.