He proposed – but won’t set a date. Has he got cold feet?
Solve your sex, love & life troubles
TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 54, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .
QBACK in February, my lovely partner proposed to me. We’re in our mid-50s and it’s a second marriage for both of us. I was over the moon when he asked.
But, since then, he has seemed reluctant to set a date.
Every time I bring up wedding stuff, he says that there’s no rush and changes the subject.
I’d managed to convince myself not to worry but, last month, a friend announced that she, too, was engaged — and they’re having a New Year wedding. Now everyone keeps asking me when mine is.
The whole thing is just making my insecurities worse. Why is he taking so long to set a date?
DOM SAYS:
Congratulations — it’s wonderful when someone is fortunate enough to find love for a second time.
You say your fiance is now reluctant to set a date — but you have to understand that men tend not to worry about the details of these things.
We don’t generally dish out marriage proposals willy-nilly but, once we’ve done it, we do have a tendency to leave the actual arranging to others.
and i do find myself thinking: ‘What’s the rush?’ i don’t want to disrespect your concern but, at your age — our age — we’re all slowing down a bit and there’s none of the mad dash of one’s 20s or 30s.
You say your partner is ‘lovely’ and you sound very much in love. is there any reason why the relationship can’t make you happy as it is? there’s nothing at all wrong with long-term couples who stay engaged for years or don’t get married full stop.
it’s just possible he’s getting cold feet, but there are all sorts of potential reasons for that.
is he under financial pressure? Does he think you want hundreds of guests and it’s going to clean him out?
it may be that he’s worried you’ll be disappointed with what he can offer, in which case i’d advise you suggest the far more romantic option of zipping off to gretna green, just the two of you.
or perhaps he’s most concerned about ruining what you have now.
i also know couples who’ve got married after long relationships, only for it all to go horribly wrong within months of walking down the aisle. Fear of change may be holding him back.
Either way, you’re going to have to talk to him like a grown-up and tell him you’ll understand if he’s having second thoughts — but you need to know why. He owes you that.
and if he says his feet aren’t cold, he just doesn’t see the urgency, well, kick back and join him. He’s declared his undying love for you by asking you to marry him; a big commitment has already been made.
How significant is a piece of paper or a ring really? isn’t your relationship now, in the present, more important? stop worrying — and enjoy your good fortune. STEPH SAYS: tHE thing to do here is to be brave and rip off the plaster! if he has had a change of heart, you need to give him a safe platform to deliver his news honestly. start the conversation by sharing your wobbles. tell him you’re feeling vulnerable. that always works, since showing a man your vulnerability is the greatest gift you can give him. let him know that the lack of communication around your wedding is making you feel scared and see what he has to say. My hunch is he’s blissfully unaware that this is troubling you. But i wonder, too, if you are being honest with yourself about what is most bothering you about your situation. are you really in a rush to get married or are you more upset because you think everyone is waiting for you to head down the aisle? You sound a little panicked and i do understand. You’ve told everyone you’re engaged to a lovely man: friends, family, your hairdresser, the lady on the supermarket checkout and all those people who pitied you when your first marriage ended — now, you want him to follow through with a wedding because, otherwise, you’ll look a bit of a fool. My advice is to stop worrying on that account, at least. You’re making the common mistake of believing everyone you know is scrutinising your life more than they really are. Most people are so preoccupied with their own problems, they don’t have time to judge you. Honestly, they won’t be gossiping at your apparent inability to drag your bloke down the aisle — they won’t give it a moment’s thought, other than to wish you luck for when you do get there. Your friend setting her own date has no relevance. no one is comparing you! i promise you, your fiance certainly isn’t. Men don’t operate in the same way over things like this; he won’t know that Friend a or B is getting married before you — and he won’t care. nor, probably, will he understand how much work goes into a wedding and that getting organised early is key to its success. so take control of the situation, in a supportive way, and lay your cards on the table. and, if he wants to wait a little longer still, well, resist the urge to push him. Most people don’t celebrate a second — or third, fourth or fifth — marriage as much as the first and an extended engagement is perfectly acceptable. setting a date is a matter for no one but you and your partner to decide — so why not take your time and enjoy each other?