I’m on the shelf at 53 and despair I’ll never meet a man

DEAR BEL

I AM running out of ideas as to where to go with my life. I am 53, have never been married and show no signs of ever meeting anybody decent. I have never had a serious relationship despite always being asked out.

But the people who ask me are people I could not ever consider being friends with, let alone anything else!

My mother died in 1998 at the age of 54 due to a serious disease; my father remarried (a very controlling woman) in 2005 and moved away. I always had a close relationship with him but this woman destroyed that and he just went along with her which has been really hurtful for me.

We only speak on the phone a couple of times a year. I have two brothers and only see them at Christmas as they work abroad. I do have three lovely nieces under 12 though, but again only see them once a year.

I live alone in Surrey and only have a handful of friends, who still have both parents, so show little understanding of me.

I work in the care sector and money is extremely tight so I am fairly limited in what I can join and pay for. I do belong to a gym and go most days. I do all I can to try to meet men, but to no avail.

I feel yet another year (wedding season) has passed and all I think about is weddings at this time of the year, and watch everybody else have their special day.

I feel so left out, Bel. Do you have any ideas?

JANETTE

FrOM one postbag i have three sad letters from lonely women, two of which are much longer than yours.

in both cases they go into detail about family backgrounds (including mental illness) but if i just include an extract from each here you will see that loneliness is the key issue, as it is for millions of people.

L writes: ‘i am 40, intelligent, goodlooking, educated and kind. i have been in only one real relationship in my life, which ended (my choice) after four years about a year ago.

‘i have always struggled to meet men and worry that all i will have is my job (which i love). i do have a social life. My two best friends both married recently, and made it clear (both missed my 40th birthday) that they have other priorities now.

‘i adore my younger sister. She’s attractive, smart and youthful too,

but also single most of her life. I’m worried that it’s written in the stars for us never to fall in love.’

Meanwhile, M explains that she is ‘estranged from all my family’, bothered by her housing situation (bad neighbours), and wistful because her two sons in their 20s don’t get in touch often.

‘I am struggling to build a life for me. This weekend I couldn’t face my regular walking group — fed up with having nothing to say.

‘I am trying online dating. I’m ashamed I have no friends and am fed up with being lonely. I wish my life was different — with fun and support.’

Obviously there is no universal cure for loneliness. But it bothered me that M went on to say she has ‘relied on a psychic to help me through tough times’ and L cites fate (‘written in the stars’).

I would advise both women to forget all that, to live mindfully in the present — and try to extend the boundaries of who they are.

M writes that she’s ‘fed up with having nothing to say’. Well, the only answer is to step outside the boundaries of self, showing interest in other people.

How can a ‘psychic’ help you relate to others? And if you start to think the lack of love is something to do with the ‘stars’ you are defeated at the outset.

Many people wish ‘ life was different — with fun and support’. They long for the ‘big relationship’ to give everything meaning and purpose. It’s the romantic dream — which can only be countered by the observation that any search for meaning and purpose must begin within you. Find out what you believe. Experience new things and test yourself.

Men and women (especially when older) run a huge risk of permanent heartache if they identify happiness with romance.

Oh, I know it’s easy to do. The old deception is seductive even though it often ends in tears.

But when you, Janette, write: ‘I do all I can to try to meet men, but to no avail’, my heart sinks.

Because you probably give off an aura of neediness — and that’s no basis for forming relaxed relationships. Putting out hooks to catch love is reaching for empty air. That’s why I remain dubious about online dating.

Friendship must be the goal for people who feel lost within their own lives. Not romance. Not ‘meeting men’. No, reaching out towards others, caring about what they think and feel, being interested in their chat and their problems.

If I were you, Janette, I’d stop obsessing about ‘meeting men’ and make changes in life. Why go to the gym every day when you could use that time for something new?

Shift your mindset (and it can be done) to understand that every single day of your life is ‘special’ — if you make it so. Within this realisation (see today’s And Finally) lies the secret of happiness.