Dad’s all over his young girlfriend — and I can’t stand it!
TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 54, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .
MY DAD, who is 57, has just started dating a woman who is 39. He has been widowed for three years, since we lost my mum to cancer.
I know I should be happy for him, but I’m not. I’m 31 — she’s practically the same age as me! They invited me and my partner for Sunday dinner last week and it was awful. He was all over her. My dad is close to retirement, for God’s sake. I want to be a supportive daughter, but I’m really struggling. STEPH SAYS:
First of all, I don’t think this is really a massive age gap. Your dad is hardly a doddery old man in his 80s being made a fool of by a 23year-old, is he? Indeed, they both might be said to be in their prime.
In fact, reading between the lines here, I’m not convinced that the source of your antipathy towards your father’s new girlfriend is her age at all. I think your really quite strong reaction to this relationship comes from a different place altogether.
When one parent dies, it can be hard for a child to watch the other meet someone else. No matter how long it’s been since the loss, it often has the effect of calling into question various beliefs you had about their marriage.
Why isn’t he still grieving? Does this mean he didn’t love your mum as much as you thought he did?
How can he throw out her memory like this and take up with another woman so enthusiastically?
Sometimes it can even feel as though the missing parent never meant anything at all.
It’s a different situation to that of divorce, where both parents are still around and the idea that one of them is ‘moving on’ seems normal.
My instinct here is that you feel deeply protective of your mother, and that you’re jealous of this new girlfriend, not on your own account, but hers. It’s an understandable feeling, but you do have to resolve it.
Your dad still has a lot of living to do, and you don’t want to be sitting on the sidelines feeling angry when this relationship might be around for a long time.
I suspect, deep down, the girlfriend feels just as awkward as you, and your dad’s tactile displays at Sunday lunch were his, admittedly clumsy, way of making her feel welcome and valued.
Even if you’re not aware of it, it’s very possible you’re to blame for this awkwardness — it’s hard to hide such strong feelings as yours, and she’ll have picked up on them immediately.
Sit your father down, take his hand in yours and tell him, as you say in your letter, that you want to feel happy for him, but you’re struggling with the idea that he’s replacing your mum.
This calls for the utmost maturity on both your parts. I’m willing to bet he still misses your mum every day, too, and as soon as you hear him say that — and that no one could replace her — you’ll feel a whole lot better about his new partner.
Then, step back and let him enjoy it. Oh, and if you can, do apologise to the new girlfriend for being judgmental. You’ll feel much better for it. DOM SAYS: I’m sorry to hear of the loss of your mother, which must still be painful to all of you. However, I’m delighted to hear that your father is moving on with life — I’m sure you don’t want him to be lonely in his twilight years, and neither would your mum. You’re worried about the age difference, but try for a moment to take your personal issues out of the equation. If a friend of a friend were having a relationship with a man 18 years her senior, was genuinely in love and thought he was amazing, would you still have a problem? I doubt it. As long as they’re happy, there’s really no reason to disapprove of the age gap. Where I do have great sympathy with you is on the subject of these OTT public displays of affection. No one likes to think of their parents ‘doing the deed’, and you certainly don’t want to see him getting amorous over lunch. It’s yucky and he should know better. What’s required here is a quiet word in his shell-like. Do it with humour if you can, or just tell him to restrain himself in front of you and get a room later. But I feel this isn’t all that’s bothering you. Deep down, I wonder whether you’re worried on a more pragmatic level. In other words, is he going to squander your inheritance on this new young lady? Could she, in fact, be described as a bit of a gold-digger? Well, this is an easy one to answer. Unfortunately, it’s not your money, and it’s none of your business. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh and I know you’re just looking out for him. But you really must bin any thoughts of inheritance, regardless of what he says to you now or even promises you. In the end, yes, he might leave it all to a new wife, or he might leave it to a cats’ home, or — most likely these days — it’ll all go on expensive nursing home fees. Assuming it’s definitely yours will only cause trouble. Besides, he’s a grown-up. If he makes a dud decision over a woman at this point in life, then tough. Why not try to make friends with this new girlfriend instead? Once they’ve knocked the PDAs on the head, you might find you’ve got interests in common other than your dad. And it would ease those family gatherings tremendously if you could all get on. All it takes is a switch of perspective and you might find you’ve got a new friend too. Good luck!