Dream break? Watch out for pesky jellyfish
YOU WANT: Speedy boarding, allowing you to whizz through to your airplane seat without queuing for half an hour. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Priority boarding, allowing you just a brief few moments of queuing before whizzing through to your airplane seat. YOU GET: ‘Priority boarding’, in which you are abandoned for half an hour and made to balance in a crush on the staircase leading down to the Tarmac, while those who refused to pay the extra £12 remain smugly seated in the terminal. YOU WANT: To spend your holiday reading Marcel Proust’s A La Recherche du Temps Perdu. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Getting halfway through the last novel but one by Joanna Trollope. YOU GET: 47 pages into a misery memoir by the fat lady off Made In Essex before accidentally dropping it into the bidet. YOU WANT: To discover the perfect little family-run seafront restaurant where you will be greeted as a longlost friend by the maitre d’ and served delicious food and fine wines for a fraction of the price you’d pay in the UK. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: A moderately overpriced meal in a chain hotel which would probably have had a sea view 25 years ago, before they built the multi-storey car park in front of it. YOU GET: A takeaway Big Mac, which you have to eat on a bench in the main square in the drizzle because every chair inside is already taken. YOU WANT: To wake up to endless days of fun and laughter spent frolicking on the sunny beach with your children. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Waking up any time after 7.30am, the sun occasionally managing to break through the clouds, while from time to time your children stop hitting each other and shouting: ‘But she started it!’ YOU GET: Woken up every morning at 5.30 by one child complaining about the other, followed by a day on the rocky beach in the pouring rain sitting beside notices in bright red capitals saying CAUTION! DANGEROUS TIDES! and DANGER! POISONOUS JELLYFISH! YOU WANT: A lovely villa with a swimming pool and a lavish terrace overlooking a magnificent view of rolling hills. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: A firstfloor apartment with a shared plunge- pool and a view of terracotta roofs. YOU GET: A basement flat with no air- conditioning, a view of the bins, a cooker that doesn’t work, a sofa bed that doesn’t pull out, and an electric insect- exterminator that wakes you up with a loud ZZZAP! every five minutes, accompanied by the smell of singed fly. YOU WANT: To come out of the sea looking like Daniel Craig in Casino Royale. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Coming out of the sea looking like Rob Brydon in Swimming With Men. YOU GET: To look like Terry Scott coming out of the sea in Carry On At Your Convenience.
YOU WANT: To come out of the water looking like Ursula Andress in Dr No.
YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Coming out of the water looking like Scarlett Moffatt in I’m a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here!
YOU GET: To come out of the water looking like Christopher Biggins as Widow Twankey in Aladdin-on-Ice. YOU WANT: A full English breakfast. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: A nice cup of tea and a croissant. YOU GET: Raw octopus, served in a wrap with chilli sauce. YOU WANT: To go home with a beautiful piece of island art, handcrafted by a local artist known only to a select few. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: A milk jug with the name of the island in fancy lettering. YOU GET: A novelty bra- andpanties apron from the gift shop at the airport. YOU WANT: To be greeted as an old friend by the locals. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Being ignored by locals. YOU GET: Twelve locals an hour approaching you saying: ‘How are you my friend, you wanna come on sunset cruise, very beautiful, how about it, my friend, you pay me now, why you no pay, eh?’ YOU WANT: Peace and quiet. YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Quiet. YOU GET: Woken at 3.15am by a dozen revellers singing O Sole Mio in the corridor outside and a woman shouting: ‘Oi! Gary! Open the door! I said open the offing door or I’ll offing knock it down!’