Jigsaw requires some assembly Do not stop chainsaw with your hands Don’t put pets in washing machine

... yes, just some of the daft — and hilarious — warnings in our health and safety obsessed world

They are an everyday annoyance: over- fussy warning labels that state the blooming obvious. The most notorious are packets of nuts telling us: ‘May contain nuts.’ Or crass advice on an item of microwaveable food that says: ‘Contents will be hot after heating.’

Of course, this is all part of the modern world’s obsessive worries about health and safety.

Indeed, they are also legal imperatives thanks to directives such as those contained in Annex II of the eU Food Information for Consumers Regulation No.1169/2011 and Commission Delegated Regulation (eU) No. 78/2014 — which, of course, is quite a mouthful itself.

This states that 14 allergens must be labelled or indicated as being present in foods, and include nuts, cereals containing gluten, crustaceans, eggs, mustard, celery and sesame.

here, ROSS CLARK has collected some much-used warnings that seem to insult our intelligence — or in some cases are just downright bizarre . . . ‘DO not use for personal hygiene’ — on a toilet brush label ‘ReMOve child before folding’ — on a baby buggy

‘NOT suitable for children aged under 36 months’ — on a birthday card with the words ‘1 today’

‘WeARINg of the garment does not enable you to fly’ — on the label of a Superman costume ‘NOT to be used as a hair-dryer’ — on electric paint-stripping gun ‘SOMe assembly required’ — on a jigsaw puzzle ‘MAy cause drowsiness, don’t drive a motor vehicle or operate heavy machinery’ — on a bottle of children’s cough mixture ‘FOR outdoor or indoor use only’ — on a set of Christmas lights

‘DIFFICULTY in sleeping’ — listed as a side-effect on sleeping tablets

‘WARNINg: high in sodium’ — on a packet of salt ‘INTeNDeD for outdoor use’ — on a rain gauge ‘FOR use by trained personnel only’ on a can of air freshener ‘POINT away from face and people, especially when opening’ — on a bottle of fizzy wine ‘ DO not use as an ice cream colouring’ — on a bottle of hair dye ‘DO not eat’ — on the label for an iPod shuffle ‘ReMeMbeR: objects seen in the mirror are behind you’ — on a motorcycle mirror ‘KeeP birds out of kitchen when using this product’ — on the underside of a non- stick saucepan, apparently because it gives off fumes which are harmful to avian life

‘PLACE goggles onto eyes’ — on a pair of goggles

‘ The power cord on this product contains lead, a chemical known to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm. Wash hands after handling.’ ‘DO NOT attempt to stop blade with your hands’ — in a chainsaw manual ‘ThIS product should not be used as a dental drill’ — in a DIy power drill manual ‘DO not attempt to use as a hedge-trimmer’ — in a lawnmower booklet

‘Do not attempt to remove blade while lawn-mower is running’ — more sage lawn-mower advice

‘DO NOT use lit match to check fuel level’ — in instruction booklet for a jet-ski ‘NOT dishwasher safe’ — on a Tv remote control unit ‘DO NOT wash your pets in the machine’ — on a washing machine with a special cycle to remove pet hair

‘NOT suitable for use on aircraft’ — on a washing machine

‘ThIS appliance is intended for use up to a maximum of 4,000 metres above sea level’ — on a dishwasher sold in britain, where the highest mountain, ben Nevis, is only 1,345 metres high and even the eiger, in the Alps, is only 3,967 metres ‘DO NOT dry your phone in a microwave oven’ — label on mobile phone ‘ DO NOT use for signing cheques or legal documents’ — on a vanishing fabric-marker

‘DO NOT use while sleeping’ — on a hair-dryer

‘ CAUTION: this is not a life- saving device’ — on a beach ball ‘ShOUlD be installed and serviced by professional mechanic. Failure to heed this warning may result in serious injury or death’ — on a bicycle bell ‘WARNINg: does not supply oxygen’ — on a dust mask ‘DO NOT store live animals inside’ — in instructions for a fridge-freezer

‘DO NOT put any person in this washer’ — advice on a washing machine

‘DO NOT turn upside down’ — on bottom of tub of the Italian dessert tiramisu ‘DO NOT put this product into an electrical equipment’ — on gift pack containing a chocolate CD ‘DON’T iron clothing while it is being worn — you’ll injure the wearer’ — on a steam iron ‘WASh when dirty’ — on a shirt ‘NOT suitable for driving in poorly lit conditions’ — on pair of sunglasses ‘ThIS product may break if dropped’ — on bottom of soup bowl ‘CAUTION: not to be used for navigation’ — on a napkin decorated with an old sea chart.