I’m in love with a toxic, married cheat

DEAR BEL,

NINE years ago I lost both my parents, moved to the other side of the country and met a married man I connected with like no other guy. He said he’d never been so real and honest with anyone — and promised that when his kids were older he would leave home to be with me.

When he was with his wife I was lonely and emotional and went out drinking. I’d randomly kiss other guys trying to forget the pain.

Now this married man will say he can’t trust me because I kissed other people. He makes me feel worthless, but I can’t let him go.

I broke away for two years — even started seeing a new guy for six months but ended it, telling him I was still in love with this married man. I was recently diagnosed with depression.

This man continually pushes me away, then contacts me and pulls me back. As soon as we are apart I’m sad again. He says he can’t let go either but he will never trust me. I have never felt so broken. I need help.

JASMINE

Just imagine if those addicted to obsessive, destructive love could attend meetings like alcoholics, telling their stories to the similarly afflicted. Would their fellow sufferers be more toughly prescriptive than psychotherapists and other members of the listening profession are trained to be?

Would they call each other deluded fools? Would they tell you: ‘Lady, if you have any selfrespect you delete his number

now, then step away from that phone?’

Would they say if you don’t have that strength of mind and spirit, if you are so feeble, so wedded to what you call love, so needy of punishment . . . then, in truth, you have made yourself deserving of your own brokenness?

Jasmine, I would never judge anybody for falling in love with the wrong person. It happens all the time — and while it can lead to tears, deceit, pain and broken marriages, it can also result in great happiness. that’s how it has always been, and always will be.

so far, so very human. You must have felt so alone at the loss of your parents and been open to a new relationship that seemed to offer comfort. But nine years?

You broke free for two years from this demanding, manipulative hypocrite. And then you ditched the new lover and went scurrying back under the door of your prison, squeaking about love and waiting for more crumbs to be dropped.

Did you say a humble ‘sorry’ to your married man for good measure? No wonder he ‘can’t let go’. He has a sex slave.

this is the point (you have to see this) where such behaviour can be judged as obsessive, compulsive, masochistic . . . or whatever label you choose.

Instead of letting your depression diagnosis define you, it seems to me you could look up self- defeating ( or masochistic) personality disorder and see how far you fit the criteria. You will find it interesting.

so what next? You certainly do ‘ need help’, so I would suggest counselling to try to understand your addiction to this entirely unsuitable and destructive ‘relationship’.

Do you have friends to talk to, or have you dropped the honest ones who always told you bluntly that you have been a fool?

Listen, ‘I can’t let him go’ is an absurd statement. That can be judged.

People can’t help disabilities or the fact that they were treated appallingly by terrible parents ( see today’s main letter) but, my goodness, do they ever make the best of their lives in spite of the hand they were dealt. But you . . . you have absolute freedom of choice.

so use it.