8 ways to beat mid-life malaise
As scientists prove hitting 50 really does bring a slump in self-esteem, one top life coach reveals . . .
Often, it can feel like no matter how many yoga classes you do or how many ‘superfood’ ingredients you add to your shopping list, you just can’t seem to shake off the heavy drag of mid-life malaise.
You’re not alone. Scientists have identified a happiness ‘U-curve’, which explains how we can be perfectly content in our 40s, only to see a sudden and dramatic dip in confidence and self- esteem as we hit 50 (the ‘is this it?’ years), before things start to pick up again.
Some people spend years languishing at the bottom of that U, but others manage to spring back swiftly to their former levels of optimism and vitality.
the key to a speedy recovery, according to life coach Andrea Owen, is being able to identify any tough-to- shift unhappiness habits that might be holding you back and taking steps to break them.
Here, she outlines her top eight habits to break — and offers clever tips on how . . .
1. SELF-SABOTAGE
JUST when things are going really well and you’ve managed to lose a bit of weight or pay off a few bills, do you find yourself eating a whole packet of biscuits or buying yet another designer handbag?
It may seem crazy, but self-sabotage is a normal human reaction to change or poor self-esteem. Sometimes, it is unconscious, but it can become a bad habit.
HAPPINESS SOLUTION: SELF-ANALYSIS
SELF-SABOTAGE can only thrive if it’s secret. Once you recognise it and bring it out into the open, it starts to break down.
So make two lists. first, what you want in life. Dig deep. Don’t write ‘a big house, polite/grateful children, a new husband’, but think about the important feelings and experiences you secretly crave (Recognition? Validation? freedom? Peace? Intimacy? Connection?). this is your ‘want list’.
next make a list of what you’re afraid might happen if you got everything on your ‘want list’.
Are you secretly worried you wouldn’t be able to sustain a promotion/slimmer figure/ bigger bank balance? Are you afraid of being seen for who you are (and rejected)?
2. HIDING AWAY
WHEN things get tough, do you isolate yourself, rather than reach for help? It is an understandable reaction if you fear that exposure could mean vulnerability which could result in rejection, judgment or criticism. but humans are wired for connection — and isolation can make you feel worse.
HAPPINESS SOLUTION: IDENTIFY YOUR ‘EMPATHY FRIENDS’
THE health of our close friendships is key to our happiness and joy, so have a ‘clean-up’: spend a little less time with people who make you feel bad and nurture close friends on whom you can rely to respond with empathy.
3. PERFECTIONISM
YOU may well think striving to be perfect is the same as striving for success or excellence, but aiming to look and behave perfectly is a classic route to avoiding the pain of rejection and shame — and it can destroy you.
HAPPINESS SOLUTION: EASE OFF
It IS possible to aim for greatness without tying yourself up in unobtainable perfection.
look at the areas in life in which you lean towards perfectionism (parenting, work, relationships, diet/exercise). list all the ways you could ease up and survive (skip a workout, have a ‘non- diet’ day, wear non-matching underwear).
Write each on a Post-it note or set it as a reminder on your phone. these are your ‘permission slips’ and a route to greater freedom.
4. FEAR OF FAILURE
If YOU’Re highly competitive, you probably take failure personally. that makes every challenge more stressful, resulting in an inevitable air of unhappiness when things don’t work as planned.
HAPPINESS SOLUTION: FAIL WELL
UNDERSTAND that failure is just one part of the achievement process learning curve.
Without failure, there is no learning, no improvement, no creativity or change.
So, when you fail, make it a goal to fail well. let it sting, then look at what you have learned. Accept failure as a part of life.
5. COMPARISONS WITH OTHERS
DOES flicking through Instagram or facebook leave a bitter taste in your mouth?
Comparison is perfectly normal, but it can be a powerful energy and happiness depleter and a toxic habit.
It’s not often you’ll find yourself thinking: ‘My life/ body/ house/ relationship is so much better than theirs.’
HAPPINESS SOLUTION: BE PROUD
get up close and personal with your own achievements and feel what it’s like to be proud. Write a list of your accomplishments, both large and very, very small (include school exams, giving birth, quitting smoking, mastering a headstand). now give yourself permission to feel a little satisfaction.
6. IMPOSTOR SYNDROME
HAVE you ever accomplished something great and felt proud for about five seconds, only to wonder when everyone will find out how incompetent you really are?
Do you make excuses for your success? Are your achievements more often marked with relief, rather than joy?
Watch out: impostor syndrome can become a toxic, happiness leaching habit.
HAPPINESS SOLUTION: MIND YOUR LANGUAGE
STOP peppering conversations with undermining words such as ‘just’, ‘merely’, ‘only’ or ‘simply’ and using language that undercuts you.
learn to take a compliment, too. React as you might to someone who gave you a gift — don’t throw it back in their face.
7. BEING STRONG
HEEDING the advice to ‘stay strong’ might be great in the short-term, but staying strong long-term puts huge demands on your happiness if it means you have to battle to keep errant emotions at bay. Or if it means you feel you can never ask for help.
HAPPINESS SOLUTION: FEEL YOUR FEELINGS
ACCEPT that being strong is not a badge of honour and it will not make you better than anyone else. Strong doesn’t mean swallowing the lump in your throat or bottling up feelings.
true strength lies in facing up to negative emotions, such as rage, disappointment, regret, sadness, grief, loss and fear and even positive emotions like joy, love, excitement, bliss and success. It’s knowing it is OK to ask for help and to ‘feel your feelings’, instead of numbing or ignoring them.
8. PEOPLE-PLEASING
PEOPLE-PLEASERS want everyone to be happy, so they run around making plans, taking on responsibility and saying ‘yes’ when they’d rather say ‘no’. but take on too much and you’ll end up resentful.
HAPPINESS SOLUTION: SET BOUNDARIES
SAYING ‘ no’ can be uncomfortable. but if you want to break this unhappiness habit, you’re going to have to have a few of those difficult, but necessary, conversations.
Set the boundaries: talk about how you feel, describe what you won’t tolerate and request what you’d like to change.
ADAPTED by LOUISE ATKINSON from How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t, by Andrea Owen, published by Yellow Kite on thursday (£14.99) © Andrea Owen 2018. to order a copy for £11.99 (offer valid until September 10, 2018), visit mailshop.co.uk/books or call 0844 571 0640. p&p is free on orders over £15.