Mr Punch in the dock? That’s the way to do it!
ALL THE NEWS YOU MISSED WHILE YOU WERE ON HOLIDAY, PART 2
ReseaRcheRs at the Institute of the Bleeding Obvious discovered Lincolnshire operates in a time-zone exactly four years behind the rest of Britain.
Further research showed The Ice Bucket challenge had just arrived in Lincoln, where many people have been deeply distressed to hear of the ‘conscious uncoupling’ of chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow.
But it was not all bad news: the people of Grantham were delighted to hear that hillary clinton was still on course to win the U.s. presidential election, with no electable Republican candidate in sight. THE Office of Fair Trading introduced a new regulation outlawing all false claims. Overnight, all company answerphone messages were altered to: ‘Your call is unimportant to us.’ VeTeRan children’s entertainer Mr Punch was arrested on charges of assault, child neglect and keeping a crocodile on his premises without a valid licence.
The next day, 150 seaside councils issued a joint statement saying they were ‘shocked and horrified’ by the news, and that they had no future plans to employ Mr Punch. ‘ There was something about him I never quite trusted,’ said one councillor, who wished to remain anonymous. ‘It may have had something to do with his habit of hitting his commonlaw wife over the head with a wooden stick.’
Meanwhile, the health and safety executive declared it was prosecuting Mr Punch for keeping a string of uncooked sausages at room temperature. TALKING at a school, Chancellor Philip Hammond advised children that a cautious approach was best around electrical appliances and that putting their hands on the redhot hob of a cooker might lead to severe burns. The next day, he was accused by his political opponents of ‘again advancing the cause of Project Fear’. a qUaRTeR of Radio 4 listeners complained they have suffered sporadic fits of narcolepsy for the past 18 months. ‘ One moment, I’m awake, and the next I’m fast asleep!’ said one.
an investigation by producers traced the source of the problem to the almost non-stop appearances of former conservative leader Iain Duncan smith. They concluded: ‘The moment his monotone voice comes on, reassuring listeners that the worst possible outcome is in fact the best possible outcome, many listeners simply go into a trance and drop off.’
In future, when he is invited on to any current affairs programme, he has agreed to bring his own upbeat percussion troupe along with him. FORMeR Prime Minister Tony Blair called a press conference to announce that two and two make four. The next day, polls showed that the number of people believing that two and two make four had fallen to its lowest level since records began. AFTER the announcement that former glove puppets Sooty and Sweep were set to make a comeback, Sweep revealed that she had recently undergone a facelift. ‘Showbusiness can be ruthless towards puppets who are getting on a bit,’ she explained, ‘and I wanted to stay at the top of my game.’ However, critics complained it was impossible to tell if her face, never particularly expressive, was meant to be sad, happy, angry or simply bemused. Meanwhile, it was rumoured that her companion, Sooty, now 70, had taken to dyeing his hair, though his spokesman forcefully denied it. VIeweRs were mystified when, for the first time in 18 months, a new thriller on netflix featured a child who had not been kidnapped.
‘There was a girl, playing alone in a Danish sitting room, while her mother was in the kitchen,’ said one viewer. ‘well, everyone knows that the next scene should be an empty sitting room, open French windows and the mother screaming and bursting into tears.
‘That’s what we’ve all come to know and love. But it never happened. The mother just said, “Tea’s ready”, and the girl came running. no one had kidnapped her! It was a total let-down.’
a netflix spokesman explained this was an experimental drama. ‘a thriller without a child being kidnapped may be hard for some viewers to take,’ he said, ‘but normal service will be resumed shortly.’