I feel left behind by the modern world

DEAR BEL,

AT 83 — and mentally able to cope with most things — I feel I am ‘losing it’ these days.

I feel unable to communicate in the traditional way with younger generations in this rapidly changing world.

As a widowed mother, I tried hard to bring up my children to the best of my ability, then, as they became independent adults, the roles reversed, meaning they were able to help their parents by caring in different ways — especially in trying to understand and adjust to new technologies.

Are my expectations unreasonable that generations should be more aware and prepared to help one another to keep pace in this changing and challenging world?

It’s no wonder so many senior citizens are lonely when they are no longer able to join in activities independently. We need family involvement. Isn’t that what families are for?

I am aware there is help available in the community, but the basic need is for those family members who can interact and live near enough to keep in touch with older family members, enriching their lives and making them feel worth living. But the internet is taking over from personal contact — probably with disastrous mental consequences. Have you any ideas on improving the communication between generations? SUSAN

This letter will, i’m sure, resonate with many older readers uneasily aware that the world is leaving them behind, no matter what they’ve done to keep pace — and you wrote an email after all.

Lord knows, i feel it myself sometimes, even though i’m outgoing and in touch with other generations.

Yet when i read about certain transgender issues, or endless examples of illiberalism among students (you know the kind of thing), i find myself seething that the world is going mad. A sense of frustrated alienation is inevitable.

however, you are talking about family communication, so i’m wondering what has happened recently to make you feel this way.

You sound hurt and perhaps rather lonely while trying hard to disguise it.

Are you feeling neglected by grandchildren who are forever on their wretched smartphones and make no time for you?

Are you feeling sad that their parents — your children — are not doing enough to maintain the family standards that were your norm?

if the answer to both those questions is ‘Yes’, you have my sincere sympathy, although i’m not sure what can be done. Readers are sometimes critical when i appear to counsel acceptance of a situation they judge to be unacceptable, but how long can one continue to complain, rail and fight?

One of my daughter’s favourite sayings is: ‘it is what it is.’ And obviously there is truth and wisdom in that modern cliche. We may have to learn to accommodate our personal world instead of trying to change it, but that doesn’t mean we have to hide how we feel.

if you feel neglected by the grandchildren, you must talk to your children, not dressing up your feelings in generalised judgments about the modern world, but telling them honestly that you’re feeling sidelined by everyone.

Tell them you understand that everybody is busier than ever and that the internet sucks up time and energy.

But maybe a family sunday lunch could happen regularly when no screens are allowed at the table.

Maybe the younger members of the family simply haven’t thought that they have the power to make somebody (you) happy.

The young are careless — just as we were.

As we age, it’s essential for all of us to realise that we have to take steps towards the young and their world, if we wish them to take steps towards us.

We have to make sure we take an interest and listen — and avoid endless repetition of our memories and our moans, because, honestly, those can be so boring.

You ask: ‘Are my expectations unreasonable that generations should be more aware and prepared to help one another to keep pace in this changing and challenging world?’

And my answer obviously must be a resounding ‘No’. At the same time, i ask you not to become a prisoner of those expectations.

if we think we are right all the time, the rest of the world will judge us (unfairly, maybe) to be in the wrong.