Will my younger lover leave me for a woman his age?
STEPH & DOM Solve your sex, love & life troubles
TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 54, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .
QLAST year, I met someone new. He is lovely and charming and I’m so happy with him. The problem is the age gap: I am 45 and he is 34. We met at a work event and I thought it would be just a fling, but things progressed surprisingly quickly. He told me he loved me after a few months.
Now, 18 months on, he has asked me to move in with him. I want to say yes, but something is holding me back. I worry we are at different life stages. To put it bluntly, I think I am now too old to have children. He says this doesn’t matter; that he doesn’t want kids anyway. But what if he changes his mind? What if he leaves me for a younger woman? What should I do?
ASTEPH SAYS:
Ah. The Fear. This one has The Fear written all over it. you’re looking for a guarantee he’ll never leave and, as we know, those guarantees simply don’t exist.
What if he leaves you for a younger woman? Well, none of us — not me, not you and not even him — know whether that will happen further down the line. But do you really want to spend your life worrying about the ‘what-ifs’?
you’re 45 and don’t mention a previous marriage or long- term relationship, and I wonder if you’ve had commitment issues in the past or if you’ve been bitten by a partner who left you for someone else. Either way, what we’ve got here is a massive case of the collywobbles.
Now, I can’t get out my crystal ball and tell you for certain that everything will be perfect between you till death do you part, but what I can tell you is that when it’s right, you know it’s right.
And when you’re not ready, you know that, too. And I think you’re not ready.
I think you should slow down a little. I realise that might sound surprising given the kids issue, but I think you have to get your relationship on a steadier footing before you plough on.
you’re worried he might want children in the future. Well, if he does, you certainly have options, but children should be the result of the relationship, not the reason for the relationship. Everyone should get their relationships settled before they introduce a third party — that includes a goldfish, never mind a child!
Everybody nowadays is in such a rush to get married, then have babies, but you can’t dictate everything that happens in life. Children enhance what you’ve already got together, but it isn’t about them — it’s about the chap. And that’s a good thing!
Whether or not he becomes the father of your children, he should be the love of your life, the one you want to grow old with, the one who is your person.
What you need to do is work out if that’s who you’ve found. don’t cloud your head with things outside your control. Forget about whether or not he will want children in the future, or whether or not you will have them, and focus on the now. Tell him you’re not quite ready to move in with him, have an honest chat about it.
If moving in is a financial decision, then see if you can postpone sharing keys for another six months.
Take a deep breath and slow down. Go on holiday together. Go on two holidays together. Enjoy each other. See if you ‘fit together walking’. And don’t move in until you wake up one morning and can’t bear the fact he’s not there. DOM SAYS: Well, as far as I’m concerned this all sounds utterly fantastic! you’ve found love — congratulations! That’s a wonderful, wonderful thing. Now, what are you doing worrying so much about it? you’re fretting about the age gap — stop! Eleven years is nothing. It’s a mere trifle. A tiny gap. I do understand, however, your concerns about children. I hope what I say helps you feel a little easier about this, because here’s the thing — nobody really admits this, but the drive to have kids just isn’t as strong for men as it is for women. Many men are more than happy to borrow them from their friends, then give them back. We don’t have a ticking clock, so we simply don’t feel baby hunger like women do. We’re not conscious of that window closing. Frankly, our bodies don’t remind us every month to procreate. So if your chap says he doesn’t want children, I say believe him. Having children is not always what it seems — there are troubles and illnesses and there is someone else in your relationship. And, there’s no point pretending it’s not the case, children are very expensive. Think of all the holidays, parties, presents and fun you can have without the expense of kids! you could have a fantastic time together for the next 40 years. In the future, should it become a real issue, there is the fantastic option of fostering or adoption, in which you’re doing some real good, too. But I really don’t think it will become an issue. I think he means what he says. So I don’t see that you’ve got anything to lose. Ring him now and say yes! Get packing and move in with him, then go out, have some fun and make us parents jealous!