Westminster wars...

+ MISCHIEVOUS commentators have set Theresa May’s salzburg humiliation to The sound of Music’s song so long, Farewell. surely her theme tune from that movie is The lonely Goatherd. ‘one little girl in a pale pink coat heard, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo.’

+ SHADOW chancellor John McDonnell says he wants the next leader of the Labour Party to be a woman. Why not kill two birds with one stone and pick Diane Abbott: they’d not only have the first female leader but also the first black leader. Abbott’s also a single mum and would appeal to 36 per cent of voters who are classed as overweight.

+ AFTER Theresa May photo- bombed an unsuspecting couple posing for wedding pictures, the groom said he’d have preferred boris to gatecrash his wedding. steady on, your wife is a gorgeous 32-year-old blonde . . .