DEAR BEL,
I’M 35, my boyfriend is 36 and we have an 18-month-old child. Our baby, whom we had after less than a year together, was admittedly unplanned but is very much loved.
On the surface, we have a lovely life — a happy relationship and good sex life, good careers that pay quite well, and help from both sets of besotted grandparents.
The problem: after two-and-ahalf years we don’t agree on marriage. I’d very much like for us to be married soon. I love and respect him — although my feelings are changing, as I suspect I’m being strung along.
He’s a good father, but I think our life could be even better if we were married — firstly because of the public declaration of commitment and love.
Then there is the legal and financial situation. At present, we split all bills ad hoc. Given that our incomes are broadly similar it would be a great deal simpler to merge our assets.
We need to update our wills to take account of our child. We live in the house I own and the one he owns is rented out. And so on. Lastly, I want the status of wife, rather than girlfriend, given the care and love I give him.
I’ve stated my position clearly when calm, but I get very upset when something sets me off — like an insensitive person asking why we remain unmarried. He’s said he’s scared of merging our finances and then having to live in a bedsit while I have the house due to being the mother, that he doesn’t want a big wedding etc. But I want a marriage, not a wedding!
I’m wondering if a) it would be immoral to deprive my child of day-to-day contact with her father because he won’t commit, or b) if it would be better to split before she’s old enough to remember us being together and to model a healthier relationship style to her with other partners in future.
I’ve put it to him that he may be very fond of me, but doesn’t love me enough to marry — which he denies — and said I would do everything required to ensure he continues to have a great relationship with our child should we split.
This seems to upset him very much, but I’m unsure whether that’s the thought of losing me, our family unit or the good life he enjoys. I don’t want to throw away a relationship that could be what I want it to be in time.
Maybe it’s old fashioned to want marriage this fervently, but I want to be with someone who views marrying me as a privilege, not something to fear and avoid. I don’t want to issue ultimatums, but I’ve already broached him moving out. How should I proceed? JANIE
MY Answer to your final question is, in short: ‘With great caution.’ it bothers me you are talking so readily of ending this relationship with the father of your beloved child, and depriving yourself of a future which contains every possibility for happiness, just because you can’t get your way now.
isn’t this throwing all your toys out of the pram? That’s certainly not moral — when a child’s future is at stake.
Believe me, i think you are absolutely right to want to be married. The public commitment matters greatly — even if it takes place with just two witnesses.
The legal and financial situation is indeed important and needs to be sorted out. Finally, it’s normal for a woman to want ‘the status of a wife’. Why shouldn’t you, since you reign over domesticity (as you explain in your longer letter)?
But, honestly, slow down, stop being so negative and demanding, and think things through. here’s a true story to encourage you:
A terrific young woman i’m very fond of lived with her boyfriend for a number of years. They had an unplanned baby boy and when he was nine months old she told me with a little shrug that she would ‘love to be married’.
But her boyfriend made no mention of it, and so neither did she. she kept house, loved both her men and created a good life for them all. Once in a while, there’d be a joke about a wedding and her girlfriends might roll their eyes over that boyfriend who adored her. My friend just smiled and kept her counsel. Then, three years after she first confided in me, he proposed and they had a wonderful wedding at which i was a guest.
Looking at your long email, i found myself wondering if that day would ever have come if she had created hell (which, reading between the lines, you do) and shown such terrible mistrust: ‘i suspect i’m being strung along.’
DO you really believe that threatening somebody is any way to achieve your heart’s desire? This is nobody’s business but yours, so it would be wise, next time a nosy friend makes a comment, to say: ‘We’re happy as we are.’ Even if you don’t means it. Think strategy, my dear!
i believe your partner is upset when you talk about splitting because he genuinely loves you and the baby and likes your life. he’s one of those to whom marriage doesn’t appeal, but he may feel very different next year.
if i were you, i would keep shtum about this vexed topic and live in the present. Focus on your child, your work, your good life. Tell him if he changes his mind you’ll be happy (he’ll keep his own property rented, of course). But, for now, i’d change my tune, stop hectoring and threatening, be clever and say: ‘hey, let’s have fun.’