My wife has lost all interest in sex
DEAR BEL, THIS is of a very personal nature, but I have no other place to turn for advice. I appreciate that what I’m about to say could be construed as a typically male response to what others might feel is really nothing.
The fact is, I am a man and this issue is important to me, so I hope you can help.
About five years ago, my wife went through the menopause and lost all interest in sex. For me, sex is a big part of intimacy, so I feel very isolated as well as frustrated. I absolutely adore my wife and would never dream of asking her to do anything she feels uncomfortable with.
Therefore I help myself (euphemism) to gain some release. But I feel I need more and have no idea what to do.
We have discussed the issue and she’s very understanding of my problem, but doesn’t feel able to accommodate my needs. As a result, I am considering seeking some periodic physical companionship. Am I being unreasonable and selfish, or can you make any suggestions you feel might help us? TONY
This subject crops up from time to time, both here and in the rest of the paper, but just lately there’s been more about it than ever. Why? i worry it’s a bit like the whole ‘ trans’ situation, when people read much too much about a certain subject and possibly allow their feelings to be swayed. imagine how much happier everybody would be if nobody mentioned gender or sex for a whole year. Oh, i wish … Let me be clear. i’m entirely sympathetic to your frustration, just as i am to your wife’s lack of interest in an activity that probably once gave her great pleasure.
Reading the advice of experts who say to take romantic baths together, i’m afraid i shake my head with a wry smile.
Do middle-aged (and older) people really light candles and frolic in the tub? i’m thrilled for those who do, but the rest are more likely to make a gin and tonic and sit down companionably to plan the evening’s TV. There are many sorts of ‘intimacy’ you know, and it’s a pity sexual activity has come to ‘own’ the word. That, my friend, is a delusion.
Your letter would be like others (and bluntly my counsel would always be the autonomous ‘release’ you mention — why not?) were it not for this worrying statement: ‘i am considering seeking some periodic physical companionship.’
There are only two interpretations of this. Either you are considering using a prostitute, or want to have sex with some woman you pick up or know. And as your email sounds measured and serious, i can only conclude that you have given proper thought to this.
Therefore the question must be are you prepared to risk the whole edifice of a long marriage for the sake of an itch that needs scratching? (i’m sorry, but it’s hard to talk about this in a newspaper, although frankness is important … and i’m tired of reading about fantasy romantic trysts.)
since you’ll have no affection for your hypothetical sexual partners, yet ‘adore’ your wife, there will be none of the ‘intimacy’ you say you value. so what then? Will you feel grubby? Will you tell your wife? Will she be upset? Might this result in huge unhappiness?
You may imagine you have a solution to this problem you’ve allowed to loom so large, yet you may destroy a marriage. is that a risk you can take?
The great psychotherapist Viktor Frankl said that if the ‘cause’ of a problem cannot be removed, ‘what then matters is the stand a patient takes towards his predicament’.
To consider that point requires the triumph of reason and finer feelings (love, for example) over emotion and lust. it’s up to you.