‘Don’t tell him, Pike!’
‘Vot is your name?’
Captain Mainwaring and his platoon are in the church hall where they’re guarding a captured German U-boat captain and his seven crew members, who’ve been picked up by a fishing boat. CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Get the Tommy gun, Pike. PIKE: Tommy gun. Tommy gun? Thank you, yes. CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Now look, there’s an armed escort picking this lot up. WILSON: Yes. CAPTAIN MAINWARING: And in the meantime, I want maximum security, you understand? Maximum security. WILSON: All right, sir. Maximum security. Yes, sir. FRAZER: Here you are, sir. All loaded and ready. CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Right, set it up. FRAZER: Aye, sir. CORPORAL JONES: Permission to speak, sir.
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Yes. CORPORAL JONES: Why don’t we chop off their trouser buttons?
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: What? CORPORAL JONES: If we chop off their trouser buttons and they try to run away, that would show something unusual. And then if there should be some person nonchalantly walking down the street and they see the men with all their trousers round their legs, they will make some inquiries.
GERMAN: You! You don’t dare to do anything of the sort. The Geneva Convention states clearly the prisoners of war shall not be put in humiliating positions. CORPORAL JONES: (pointing at his bayonet) You’ll be in a humiliating position if you get this up you, mate. GERMAN: Don’t! Don’t threaten me, you silly old fool. CORPORAL JONES: You! CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Jones! CORPORAL JONES: He called me a silly old fool, sir! CAPTAIN MAINWARING: We’re not savages. You get back in your place and speak when you’re spoken to. WALKER: Get back in That’s right. the huddle. GERMAN: I’m warning you, Captain. (Blows smoke in Mainwaring’s face.) CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Just do as you’re sort of told. (Coughing) You see the unscrupulous slime we’re up against, don’t you?
WILSON: I quite agree, sir. Yes, sir. I must admit he has rather an abrupt manner, but we must make allowm, ances for him sir, you see. He’s probit ably a little bit upset because he sank his submarine. MR SPONGE AND ONE OTHER: (Bringing in ladder) Where do you want this, Mr Mainwaring?
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Here you are. Set it up here. PIKE: Mr Sponge, I’ll give you a hand. MR SPONGE: Right. Thank you. There we go.
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Right, Pike, get on top with your Tommy gun. Where you’ve got a clear view of the entire hall. Up you go. PIKE: You know I can’t go up ladders. Not with my vertigo. CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Come along, come along, boy. PIKE: It ain’t half wobbly. You know I’ve got a doctor’s note. CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Will you get up there? Godfrey. Where’s Godfrey? Godfrey!
GODFREY: Did someone call? I’m terribly sorry, sir. I must’ve dozed off.
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Dozed off? We’re guarding a dangerous bunch of cut-throats and you doze off? Now, I want you to watch them like a hawk, you understand? Like a hawk! Hold this ladder. (Telephone ringing.) Take charge, will you, Wilson?
WILSON: All right, sir. CAPTAIN MAINWARING: (Answering the telephone.) Mainwaring here. COLONEL: HQ here. Everything all right, Mainwaring? CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Yes, yes, all safe and sound. Just waiting for you to pick them up, sir.
COLONEL: Ah. Well, I’m afraid the escort won’t be able to get over there until tomorrow.
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: You mean, you want us to keep them all night?
COLONEL: Sorry, there’s nothing I can do about it. Just give them a blanket each and bed them down. Oh, and give them something to eat of course. CAPTAIN MAINWARING: I’m afraid we’ve only got our own sandwiches, Colonel. COLONEL: Well, send out for some fish and chips. CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Send out for? COLONEL: I’ll see you get the money back. I’ll be over about 8 in the morning. Cheerio. CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Bye. Fish and chips. Wilson. WILSON: Yes, sir? CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Come here. Jones. JONES: Yes, sir? CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Come on, Jones. Conference here. Now, listen, the armed escort can’t get here before morning. So, we’ve got to keep these chaps all night. CORPORAL JONES: Well, in that case, we really better chop their buttons off. CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Put that thing away. Now, I’m going to have a word with these prisoners, Wilson. WILSON: You can’t speak any German, can you, sir? CAPTAIN MAINWARING: They’ll know by the tone of my voice that I’m in charge. They recognise authority when they see it. You better come with me. WILSON: Yes, of course, sir. CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Now, pay attention!
WILSON: I say, they’re awfully well disciplined, aren’t they, sir?
CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Nothing of the sort. Just slavish, blind obedience. Not like the cheerful discipline of our own jolly Jack Tars. (Mainwaring
clearing his throat.) I tell you, Wilson, they’re a nation of automatons led by a lunatic who looks like Charlie Chaplin.
GERMAN: How dare you compare our glorious leader with that non-Aryan clown. I am making notes, Captain. And your name will go on the list. And when we win the war, you will be brought to account. CAPTAIN MAINWARING: You write what you like. You’re not going to win this war. GERMAN: Oh, yes, we are. CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Oh, no, you’re not. GERMAN: Oh, yes, we are.
PIKE: (Singing) Whistle while you work, Hitler is a twerp. He’s halfbarmy, so’s his army, whistle while you work. GERMAN: Your name will also go on the list. What is it? CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Don’t tell him, Pike! GERMAN: Pike, thank you. PIKE: You rotten thing! CAPTAIN MAINWARING: Now look here, I’ve had about enough of you. You tell your men that they’ve got to stay here for the night and they better behave themselves. Now get on with it. PIKE: Uncle Arthur. WILSON: Yes. Now, what is it, Frank? PIKE: It’s not fair. My name going on the list. I was only joking. WILSON: You really must try and be more careful. You must realise by now that the Germans have absolutely no sense of humour. PIKE: But he said much worse things about Hitler. He said much worse things about... WILSON: Quiet! Quiet, Frank. He’ll hear you. PIKE: Do you think if you had a nice word with him, he’ll take my name off? WILSON: Yes, all right. I’ll have a nice word with him.