BEL MOONEY

DEAR BEL,

MY PARTNER is an embarrassment because of one particular issue — his personal hygiene and appearance.

I am retired, am 67 years old and have been in a contented relationship with my 69-year-old partner for the past seven years. We have a great life with a holiday home abroad, we are financially sound and both enjoy good health.

However, he’s totally oblivious to his own cleanliness and general appearance — to the point where I have considered leaving him. I’m not just talking about him being scruffy. Many women may sometimes wish their partners would smarten up. But in my case I have put up with him not washing, not cleaning teeth, filthy nails, body and mouth odour, greasy hair — the works!

I have tried every approach, explaining that this lack of personal care is putting me off. I run baths for him, buy him deodorant, shower gel, aftershave, even toothpaste, but hardly any is ever used. He has already lost his bottom teeth through lack of care.

He just gets dressed, never washing or brushing his hair etc. Our friends notice and have even told me that once they had to fumigate their car after giving him a lift!

I think it may just be laziness, but it is driving me to distraction. In all other respects he is an intelligent, kind, balanced individual. Passion was never a major part of our relationship and we are both content with that — so denying him my body would have no impact. Frankly, I’m put off anyway.

He cares little for outward appearance and I can respect that to some extent, but he repulses me at times. So you’d think I would leave, but everything else about our relationship and life together is really good. However I try to broach the subject, he refuses to respond and reacts as if I am just getting at him. DOREEN

Oh dear, I read your email with mounting horror and even felt queasy by the end.

This problem would be a deal-breaker for me. I simply would not be seen in public with any man who looked scruffy — never mind dirty. I bet most people reading this will think it disgusting not to take care of yourself to the shocking extent you describe. Who wants to live with a dirty person?

You write: ‘he cares little for outward appearance and I can respect that to some extent’ — but why should such contempt for the feelings of others be presented (as it sounds) as something virtuous?

What is he — some head-in-the-clouds philosopher trying to emulate St John the Baptist in the wilderness? does he think himself better than those of us who clean our teeth?

Freud used the general appearance of his patients as a means of diagnosis: ‘ every change in the customary attire, every little negligence such as an unfastened button . . . means to express something the wearer of the apparel does not wish to say directly; usually he is entirely unconscious of it.’

Surely this means that the person who turns up at your Christmas party wearing a grubby old T-shirt is waving two fingers at all your careful preparations?

Those who think trainers and jeans appropriate for a beautiful theatre are saying they don’t care about the splendour of the surroundings, or the conventions of dressing up to go out. Which in turn makes a silent, insufferably superior judgment on those who do care.

That’s their right, I suppose, but as the psychotherapist rollo May said: ‘Slovenliness of dress, the need of a haircut, broken shoelaces and so on tell us things the meaning of which no one can mistake . . . a habitual lack of care for one’s appearance indicates a general lack of interest in other people.’

Why should it be thought remotely respectful to stink out the car of somebody kind enough to give you a lift?

People with mental health or drug problems often neglect personal hygiene, and it’s sometimes hard for those with physical