She’d tried her best but Theresa’s deal ponged
...with a pessimistic view of May’s latest defence
THERESA May would be mustard in the Birdman of Bognor competition. Not entirely sane people gallop down Bognor Regis pier, flapping their arms while wearing a home-designed apparatus they think can see them to dry land.
Will it fly? ‘ Just you watch me!’ cry the birdmen as they leap off the pier, limbs spinning. One second. Two seconds. Splosh. For the third time in ten days her ladyship told MPs her EU withdrawal agreement is a corker. For the third time the House looked at her aghast, agape. Baffled by her optimism. They disliked the plan – the biggest problem was the Northern Ireland backstop – and they were amazed she was persisting with it.
Tories shook their heads or (Owen Paterson) held wide their hands in ‘you what?’ gestures when they heard her jargon-thicket answers.
There was nothing personal in their attitude. They conceded she had tried her best. They were as kind as they could be. But sorry, Theresa, the deal ponged. To put that in Continental terms, it was ein Stinker, basura, malodorant, puzzolente.
Some Labour MPs laughed at Mrs May. Others expressed headshaking sympathy for her personal predicament. Scots Nats, as is their way, pointed at her – jab, jab, jab, as though trying to catch ring-doughnuts on their fingers.
Mrs May’s Cabinet sat around, largely expressionless. So many dim goldfish. Karen Bradley, Northern Ireland Secretary, blinked and caught a few flies in her open mouth. Michael Gove, the Bespectacled Pimpernel, was once more absent.
Another who failed to attend was Sir John Hayes (Con, S Holland & the Deepings), a Brexiteer who has just been palmed a knighthood.
Can I assure May supporters that rebellion was slowly melting and that influential MPs were moving in her direction? Nope. The opposite was more evident.
Perhaps the biggest moment was when the normally loyal Sir Michael Fallon (Con, Sevenoaks) asked ‘is it really wise to trust our economy to a promise simply to use “best endeavours”?’ Sir Michael was accusing the PM of being naive. The moment after he put his question, the Chamber buzzed with gossip.
Dame Barry Sheerman ( Lab, Huddersfield) hollered ‘ let us get back into the European Union’. Widespread groans. Mark Francois (Con, Rayleigh & Wickford) did another of his long, vocative- case pleas to Mrs May to rethink her ‘surrender’ to the EU. He was heckled by Vicky Ford (Con, Chelmsford) who was sitting directly beside him. He growled at her and she blushed.
Some Eurosceptic Tories had nodded when Jeremy Corbyn said it was ‘a fallacy’ that this deal took back control from Europe, and when Hilary Benn (Lab, Leeds C) said she was merely giving the EU greater leverage for the future.
Remainerish Justine Greening (Con, Putney), who last year stood on a Tory manifesto that promised to respect the referendum result but has since done her best to undermine it, gave the House a homily on ‘truth and honesty and fact’ in politics. Translation: Oi, how come Amber’s back in Cabinet but I’m not?
MRS
May thought she must be referring to Project Fear and Treasury forecasts and said it was ‘ interesting the extent to which economic forecasts can be described as facts’.
Quite right, Prime Minister! Let’s bear that scepticism in mind in the next few days when the Government will be using all sorts of Uri Gellered statistics to claim that no-deal would be a disaster.
The Chancellor was sitting directly beside Mrs May when she let rip this retort. He somehow managed to move not a muscle. Not an eyebrow hair. He must have been brilliant at musical statues when he was a tiddler.
Nicky Morgan (Con, Loughborough) came over all saintly and said politicians must abandon their ‘entrenched positions and challenge themselves’. Centrists always say that. Principles? Yuck. Nasty, nasty things.
At the underground entrance to Parliament, you pass one of those black silhouettes of the forgotten World War One soldier. They should maybe put one alongside, to the forgotten referendum voter.