I fell for an old pal, but he’s done a bunk

DEAR BEL,

PLEASE help me. I am 61 years old and in September left an abusive marriage after 30 years — and three children. Now my son will have nothing to do with me.

I met someone I had known 30 years ago. He was in an unhappy marriage and we made plans for a future together. Now things have gone so wrong. I’m living in a rented house I cannot afford on my own. He has not come to live with me. He will not commit. So many reasons why not.

He visits and leaves early — always a family crisis. Now his wife has started divorce proceedings. I am not named. He came for the weekend and disappeared after a few hours while I was out. Now I haven’t heard from him. My head says all this is wrong. My heart is broken. I am too old for this, but can’t bear to be on my own for the rest of my life. I need help to see sense.

JANICE

Your short plea is so full of pain and panic, it shows your first need is not to ‘see sense’ but to sit quietly, take ten very deep breaths (the slow ones that go right down to the gut) and try to achieve some calm.

unless you do this, taking conscious control of the present, you cannot plan any future. It sounds as if your head is reading the writing on the wall quite correctly and sensibly; the problem is, your heart doesn’t want to listen.

You don’t say whether you left the abusive marriage because you’d had enough at long last, or whether that decision was given impetus by meeting your old friend again.

Which came first? I’m curious to know if this has any bearing on your son’s hostility; certainly it could affect your new man’s sense of being boxed into a situation he didn’t bargain for.

Many a man will tell a woman his marriage is in a bad state in order to have a fling; the harsh reality of marital upheaval is quite another matter.

After all, you have moved very quickly — and took on this rental in the confident expectation that he’d move in with you right away and share the cost.

I feel so sorry for the mess you are in, which is hardly your fault. (Mind you, I could say that about most problems that come to this page — yes, even if it sounds as if the writer does have a hand in their own problem.)

How can we stop ourselves getting into a mess? The answer is, usually, with difficulty.

It is painful to say this, but it sounds as if the chances of your man committing are slight. His life is full of complications and his deliberate absence from home suggests it’s become too much for him, for now at least.

of course, his flight could be temporary. In that case, you

have to settle down, make independent plans and be patient. Might it be possible to take a lodger for a while, to help with the rent? Were you to decide on such an action, he might feel a lessening of the pressure.

The more you seem to be taking back your own life, the better the chance of sustaining a relationship with this man. You have both experienced great difficulties, so maybe right now you have to help him through his, pushing your own needs aside.

It would be entirely natural for you to plead, complain, get angry. But saying you ‘can’t bear’ to face the future alone will only make things worse.

If only you could talk all this through with a counsellor (I realise that costs money . . .) to help you come to terms with this stage in your life.

Anyway, quietly let him know you’ll wait a while.