Why everything you thought about great sex is WRONG!
THEsE are astonishing times for sex. With the click of a mouse, you can check your technique, look for new positions or even find a partner.
But with sex getting all this attention, are people feeling any more satisfied in bed?
I doubt it. Couples in long-term committed relationships have as much trouble as ever keeping desire alive.
some people know intuitively how to stay erotically connected once the overwhelming desire they felt in the first few years starts to wane. But many don’t, which is unfortunate since it’s not that hard once you know how.
Over the past 30 years as a sex therapist, I’ve treated more than 1,500 individuals and couples. What’s that been like? Well, chiefly it’s meant hearing about lots of bad sex.
I think by now I may be one of the world’s foremost experts on bad sex. That may sound like a dubious honour, but, in fact, it’s been really useful. Hearing about so many kinds of bad sex has left me with a deeper understanding about what makes for good sex — and even great sex.
There are lots of books these days about technique, but my new book, Love Worth Making, How to Have Ridiculously great sex In A Long-Lasting Relationship, goes in a completely different direction.
It’s all about feelings. sexual arousal is a particular state of mind and follows its own set of rules. Once you learn how arousal really works, that can pay off big-time in a committed relationship.
Interested? good. Let’s get started.
IT’S WHAT A WOMAN SEES IN THE MIRROR THAT MATTERS
A MIDLIFE woman comes to see me about some problems with her husband. she mentions that in the early years of their marriage the sex they shared was particularly good.
‘ What was so good about it?’ I ask, naturally curious.
she answers without a moment’s hesitation. ‘I felt pretty,’ she says. ‘And I felt sexy.’
Things have changed a little since this woman was a newlywed. It’s now recognised that there’s much more to a woman’s sexual pleasure than simply being the object of desire. But many women in my practice still tell me that feeling desired is more important than orgasm. They still enjoy fantasies of being sexually irresistible.
The reality is that most women don’t just like to feel desired: they need it. It’s like oxygen. Most women tell me they rather enjoy being chased, by someone who’s worthy of her.
The problem in most marriages is that when a man starts to feel his wife is a sure thing, he stops chasing her. When that happens, their erotic relationship loses something essential. sex books typically advise women to manipulate the situation — by introducing elements of risk or uncertainty, or by making themselves less reliably available.
I don’t like that approach. Most men don’t enjoy having their feelings manipulated, and most women don’t appreciate having one more job to do.
I find it’s better to put the responsibility on the man, and to educate him about his partner’s need to be pursued.
Then it’s his job to decide how to use this information and to face the consequences of his decisions. If he doesn’t act accordingly, then I have no sympathy for him.
DON’T SNUGGLE UP IN FRONT OF THE TV
TOO much cuddling can neuter your relationship. sorry, I know you don’t want to hear it, but it’s true. Couples who spend their evenings curled up together in front of the TV are quietly depleting whatever erotic charge might remain between them.
I’d rather couples not touch each other too much, unless there’s some erotic energy to be passed around.
A better alternative to cuddling is what we sex therapists call ‘simmering’ — getting aroused together on a regular basis, just for a moment or two, even when you don’t have the time or inclination to go all the way.
That generally means no orgasms, no rhythmic stroking, no heavy breathing. Nothing that’s going to leave you too frustrated after you have to stop.
Couples who are overworked and distracted (i.e. most of us) often neglect to get aroused in each other’s company unless they intend to have sex. That’s a mistake. Most couples need to get aroused together much more frequently than that. simmering is probably the most important technique in the whole sex therapy tool-kit.
The happiest erotic couples simmer all the time. The deep secret to most sexually happy couples’ erotic connection is that it’s the simmering, rather than the sex, that keeps them erotically attuned to each other.
Here’s an example of what simmering looks like: A man is
about to leave the house to go to work. Kissing his wife goodbye, he buries his face in her hair to inhale her scent. His arms circle her waist to pull her closer.
Her body moulds to his, and they breathe together for a moment, both feeling excited. Then he looks at his watch and hurries off.
With any luck, the experience leaves them both feeling slightly buzzed, in that goofy way that good arousal can make you feel. also a bit frustrated, maybe. But that bit of frustration can be erotic in its own right. Properly managed, it can pay off big-time in good lovemaking later on.
So instead of sending your partner off to work with a peck on the lips, try holding them close for a bit longer than usual. There’s a moment there that won’t come again. yes, I know you’re anxious about the day ahead, but this is important, too.
YES, YOU SHOULD BE SELFISH IN BED
a Man comes to see me for advice on how to please his wife in bed. He says her needs are very particular.
for instance, the two of them will be involved in some kind of foreplay, and she’ll interrupt him with criticisms like: ‘Stop, don’t — that’s too much,’ or ‘ no, not like that.’
The poor man tries his best to please her, or at least not to upset her. But the harder he tries, the more frustrated she gets. He’s at his wits’ end.
fortunately, I know this story well, having heard it so many times over the years from so many men. When I first started as a sex therapist, I’d routinely ask to speak with the wife in private. Here’s how the conversation usually went:
Me: ‘your husband says he doesn’t know how to please you. He says you’re very sensitive.’
Wife: ‘ Oh, for heaven’s sake, I’m not sensitive at all. I’m just dying inside for him to show me some passion. all he does is fumble around. It drives me crazy.’
you see the problem? He’s focused on trying to satisfy her. But all she really wants is to feel his passion, his confidence, his hunger to devour her in an ecstasy of selfish abandon.
Sexual selfishness tends to be more erotic than sexual generosity. Being a generous lover isn’t a bad thing, of course. But if it’s not accompanied by the right kind of selfishness, it can be a problem.
after all, no hero in a romantic novel ever rips off the heroine’s clothes and says: ‘Tell me how you like to be touched.’
To have good sex with someone you love, it can be best to love them a little less — to become oblivious to their needs and trust them to take care of themselves.
ORGASMS AREN’T THE GOAL FOR GREAT SEX
We Sex therapists aren’t so interested in orgasms. We’re among the
few humans on the planet who aren’t. One of my favourite definition of a sex therapist is someone who spends most of their professional life urging couples not to make too big a fuss about orgasms.
Why not? Because in really good sex, orgasm is like dessert at the end of a meal. Memorable, perhaps — but not the reason you went out to dinner. In my experience, the couples who have the best sex don’t set orgasm as a goal. They just enjoy it if it happens.
now you might think I’m crazy to minimise the importance of orgasms — especially when nearly
every other sex book is promising you bigger and better ones.
But desire doesn’t like goals. It’s better to focus on turn- ons instead. Then, if you’re lucky, after you’ve eaten and enjoyed everything on your plate, the dessert trolley appears and you realise: “Oh, I forgot! There’s dessert!”
You’ve had that happen a few times, am I right? Pudding just kind of finishes you off.
That’s how an orgasm should be. You can’t survive on just dessert.
A lot of couples try to satisfy each other with orgasms, then wonder why they’re still hungry.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU LOSE CONFIDENCE
IT’s commonly assumed men automatically want sex. And, in fact, most men do respond automatically to attractive body parts.
But in a real situation with a partner, a man ordinarily needs more. If most women need to feel desired, most men need to feel welcomed.
There’s a certain smile a woman wears when she’s really pleased — a big, welcoming smile of pleasure that says: ‘Hey, I’m so glad you showed up!’ At the start of a relationship, he sees that smile a lot.
The trouble often begins when he first sees her looking disappointed or unhappy. Especially if he’s the source of her disappointment or unhappiness. When that happens, his desire can become far less automatic.
He’ll usually just try to adopt as confident a pose as he can and hope his hurt feelings will pass.
But this tends not to work so well. Eventually, out of desperation, a man who feels criticised or unaccepted will usually just withdraw, both emotionally and sexually. When he withdraws, she feels unwanted and their sex life starts to fall apart.
The best solution, frankly, is just to recognise that the two of you are very different. Men are ordinarily more sensitive to feeling abandoned, and women are ordinarily more sensitive to feeling shame.
Women tend to be better at handling emotional conflict in relationships.
This is because, typically, they’ve had more practice at it, since their same-sex friendships and family bonds often tend to be more intimate. Men typically haven’t had as much practice at tolerating disappointment and frustration in intimate relationships, so those things tend to frighten them more.
Most men are terribly afraid of disappointing the women they love. It’s important for men to learn that a partner’s frustration or disappointment is not necessarily a catastrophe.