THE FOUR MOST COMMON PROBLEMS WITH MIDLIFE LOVE (and my solutions)

Nearly 14 years have passed since I started my advice column for the Mail, so (with my two marriages to draw on, too) I’m pretty experienced in the ups and downs of human nature.

I have friends who’ve stayed happy and faithful for decades, and others who’ve survived affairs. acquaintances have experienced divorce and the upheaval of midlife love, new marriages, melded families and so on. Then there are the problems of boredom, ageing, lack of communication — all the snags that can hit relationships.

One thing I’m sure of: there are no rules. We do our best to muddle through — and it helps to have a sympathetic listening ear.

Here are four of the problems I see most often — and how best to tackle them.

1. We can’t cope with the empty nest

afTer all the stress of schooling, exams, teenage angst, money and university applications, suddenly childhood ends and you’re left just gazing at each other across the breakfast table.

The house seems so quiet. Until now, a huge amount of energy has been spent on parenting. Without the children, you are still a parent, but you also need to start learning to be part of a couple again.

The trouble is that the loss is real, and this can affect women in particular, especially if they have been full-time mothers.

THE SOLUTION: It’s vital not to let this problem lurk, waiting to attack. Be prepared. The empty nest is a natural development: it’s coming and you need to be well-armed.

It always worries me when people say their children are ‘their life’. love them, but realise one day they will fly the nest — and so you need to nurture your own identity.

Couples should ensure they have ‘date nights’, or at the very least make room for their own interests.

2. We’ve grown apart over the years

SUdden loneliness can loom between long-term couples.

What can we talk about? Women complain about lack of communication (‘He never says anything’), while men are more likely to be bothered by a physical lack.

It seems ages since you first met — those heady days of being in love, creating a life together. But you don’t feel old: in fact, there’s a restless, inner 30-year-old raring to go.

The danger comes when those inner selves want to go in different directions. as a young journalist, I listened to endless pub-moans of middle- aged colleagues whose wives ‘didn’t understand’ them.

Those wives were probably very lonely — and maybe understood their husbands only too well.

THE SOLUTION: The phenomenon of ‘silver splitters’ shows how many couples just give up at this stage. But to throw away everything you have built — including the (possible) future delight of sharing grandparenthood and having more freedom together? Think carefully, as you might face old age alone. Visualising that is a wake-up call.

If you’ve grown apart, then you must start rebuilding: get busy with the metaphorical bricks and mortar to remodel your marriage.

Professional counselling is good (try charity relate, relate.org), but so are dIy therapy sessions.

decide on an evening with the photograph album. Sit with a glass of something delicious and share memories and laughs. Plan a holiday. Pick a shared project in the home or garden.

all this has to be deliberate: relationships don’t move on by accident. decide that togetherness beats loneliness and take charge.

3. Affair has put our relationship in peril

THe saddest letters I receive come from men and women whose partners have had an affair. The betrayal, hurt and rage is devastating, the grief akin to a bereavement. you’ve lost your cherished image of the person you loved, and it’s a blow to your own identity.

It’s also important to emphasise that infidelity can be platonic on the surface. If you find out your partner has had secret lunches with an attractive colleague and has been sending flirty texts, then what? ‘ But nothing happened!’ comes the protest. The answer to that is: ‘yes, something did happen. you deceived me.’

THE SOLUTION: This problem isn’t age-related but infidelity surely brings more pain in midlife, when what has been built up over years looks like it is shattering.

If a couple have children, they owe it to them to have couples counselling to work out if there is a way through; or mediation (try national family Mediation, nfm.

org.uk) to engineer a separation without damaging anger.

Some marriages have real flaws. Some run their course. Infidelity, be it actual or virtual, can be a cry for help — or a wave goodbye.

But some marriages can be saved, if there is real remorse, forgiveness and a desire for a new start. The only advice is to talk and talk, to discover what went wrong and whether it can be put right. 4. Will it work out a second time around? HOW do you learn to trust again? What happens if adult children don’t like your new companion? How do you give your all to a relationship after bereavement?

These are some of the key decisions that often have to be made in midlife when facing second-time love — or third, or fourth.

decisions made all the harder, perhaps, because age and experience have bred caution. But it’s a short step from caution to fear.

THE SOLUTION: I think it’s healthy to see later years as just another stage in life. I can’t stress enough the importance of accepting adjustments, in order to move forward.

This is your own precious life, so be brave, embrace change, tell yourself ‘I can do this’ — and make the most of the rest of your days!