Even luscious Lumley couldn’t save this luvvie-fest

JOANNA LUMLEY is a goddess, but someone has to stop her from presenting the Baftas again. Or, at least, give the old darling a better script.

On Sunday night, her drippy gags fell apart like calving icebergs. Isn’t it time they opted for a less obsequious host and dared to turn this slobberfest into an interesting live broadcast with a spark of danger?

The two-hour show was a disaster from beginning to end — even the celeb-packed audience looked bored. Perhaps they also found the kidney-clenching spectacle of loved-up luvvies fawning over each other too, too much. Everything and everyone was simply super-duper in what Lumley, 72, called our ‘annual rhapsody in celebration of film brilliance’ in a night of ‘sensational and wonderful people’.

Actor Bradley Cooper was ‘a multitalented genius’; two birds in sparkly frocks were ‘astounding British actresses so talented that they have both been honoured by the Queen for services to film and drama’.

Meanwhile, Salma Hayek (right) turned up wearing a diamante cloche on her head accessorised with a giant gold lizard brooch — and nobody laughed. Then Bohemian Rhapsody star Rami Malek won the Best Actor gong and said: ‘I still cannot believe I’m included in this group of actors.’ Neither could anyone else.

Three questions. Why do they all have to kiss each other interminably on stage? If they are so talented, why can’t they make speeches with grace and celerity — instead of being bumbling idiots? And where is Ricky Gervais when you need him?

Tread the boards? I dread these bores. Still, only the Oscars to go and then the awards onslaught will be all over.