How to spot the school gate GASLIGHTER
*That’s someone whose emotional abuse makes you question your sanity. Now a therapist says they’re lurking where you’d least expect it
Gaslighting: it’s the term used to describe psychological manipulation that causes a person to question their sense of reality — and sometimes even their sanity.
it owes its origin to the 1944 film Gaslight, about a manipulative husband who tries to convince his wife she is going mad, and it has recently received a lot of attention as part of the wider issue of coercive control within relationships (which became an offence in the uK in 2015).
Yet the effect of gaslighting was something i came to appreciate only after i wrote a blog on the phenomenon on a psychology website. to my surprise, it received several million hits.
after the post, the number of calls and emails i received which mentioned gaslighting escalated rapidly. it was clear this topic had struck a chord and many, many people were affected.
But this sort of behaviour isn’t isolated to abusive partners or close family members. One unexpected place gaslighters thrive is the school gates, a highly competitive environment for parents which can bring out the manipulative side of people who always like to be on top.
here’s how to spot the signs of a school gate gaslighter.
BEWARE ENDLESS EMPTY COMPLIMENTS
YOu might think there’s no such a thing as an unwelcome compliment. But a gaslighter is someone who wants to gain your trust quickly so they can inveigle their way into your life — and flattery is a highly effective way of doing this because we all love being made to feel good about ourselves.
so beware the overly chummy mum at the school gate who says she loves your style, or makes a point of complimenting your hair or your great parenting skills.
Praise is lovely when you’ve had a haircut or you are showing off a new bag or coat — but if you’ve just thrown on the same scruffy pair of jeans you wore yesterday and run a brush through your hair, then you should be suspicious of such empty flattery.
Of course, some people are naturally effusive, but with a gaslighter it won’t feel authentic. experienced manipulators use flattery to make you feel special so you let your guard down.
THEY THRIVE ON MISFORTUNES . . .
GasliGhtinG friends are like emotional vampires, you feel exhausted after spending time with them because they always focus on life’s negatives — yours and other people’s.
if you suspect a person might be a gaslighter, consider how they talk about others. Do they seem to obsess over their misfortunes? Well-balanced people rarely focus only on negatives, they make sure to mention positive qualities of people’s lives, too.
. . . ANDEXPLOIT YOUR INSECURITIES
Because gaslighters relish misery, they don’t mind listening to you when you share details about areas in your life that have caused difficulty in the past or aren’t going well now.
this isn’t out of genuine interest for your troubles, but so they can use it against you later so you’ll blame yourself when things go wrong.
For example, if your children start getting into trouble at school, they might say: ‘ Oh, perhaps it’s because you and your husband had that bad patch last year.’
DON’T GET SUCKED INTO BAD GOSSIP
BeWare the school mum who wants to confide malicious tittletattle about teachers or other parents. though most of us can’t resist a gossip, a gaslighter’s intention is to make you complicit in their manipulation.
they like to stir up trouble and be at the centre of any drama — but you’re the one likely to end up in trouble. Perhaps they’ll mention you when spreading rumours, or they hope that if they confide in you, you’ll share sensitive information they can use against others.
OTHER FRIENDS WILL BE PUSHED OUT
a GasliGhter doesn’t want you to have other friends. You’re less likely to question their behaviour if you haven’t got others around highlighting how difficult they really are. to isolate you they will try to monopolise your time and make sure you go together to school social events.
A FONDNESS FOR FAKE CRITICISMS
GasliGhters seem to be particularly fond of passing on criticism about people’s parenting abilities, according to victims.
they might tell you that so-andso doesn’t like the way you discipline your children, or that another person thinks you spend too much money on your children at christmas.
in my experience, these digs are likely to be false — they’re bait to draw you in and lead you to doubt yourself.
if someone you suspect is a gaslighter hints that others have been bitchy about you, don’t take the bait.
Just saying ‘OK’ with a neutral tone should be enough to stop them.
YOU’LL ALWAYS BE IN THEIR SHADOW
this type of person thinks they are perfect, so naturally they assume their children can do no wrong, either. they will stop at nothing to see them succeed.
these are the parents who move their children’s projects to the front of a display so they’re more likely to be noticed — and even remove other children’s work.
and gaslighters will assume that if their child is not doing well at school, it’s because the teacher isn’t very good, not because their child is lacking ability or not working hard enough.
they won’t celebrate your child’s successes, either — they don’t want your child to be doing better than theirs. they want you always to be in their shadow.
CUTS AND BRUISES BLAMED ON YOU
saDlY, it’s not uncommon for gaslighters to accuse other adults of harming their children, even though children pick up scrapes in the rough and tumble of play.
as rosa, a 34-year-old mother, told me: ‘ My seven- year- old daughter had her friend over to play one day. i knew the girl’s mum was manipulative and i had really distanced myself from her.
‘that night, i got a call from the little girl’s mother, who was very angry. she accused me of not watching the kids properly, and said her daughter now had bruises on her arm.’
the only way to deal with these situations is not to have the child around again — don’t even give them a lift in your car.
A CONSTANT RUN OF BAD LUCK
When you share responsibilities with a gaslighter, it’s funny how often things go wrong for you.
in the context of school, i often hear from women who have had to share the role of class parent representative with a gaslighter. they’d discover the other person had undermined them to the teacher, perhaps suggesting they had too much on to be involved in organising activities, or hinting that they were unreliable.
People who aren’t used to dealing with this behaviour struggle because they don’t believe someone could behave so badly.
sadly, all too often they can.
AdApted by Clare Goldwin from Gaslighting: Recognise Manipulative And emotionally Abusive people — And Break Free by dr Stephanie Sarkis, published by Orion Spring at £14.99. © dr Stephanie Sarkis 2019. to order a copy for £11.99 (offer valid until March 21, 2019; p&p free on orders over £15), visitmailshop.co.uk/ books or call 0844 571 0640.