My sick wife insists I give up on her

I HAVE been married for more than 40 years. My marriage has overall been a good one.

We have three children, the eldest of whom was diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer last year. This has caused us stress and upset.

In November last year my wife was diagnosed with a cancer (gynaecological), having been treated for breast cancer some years previously.

This has added to the stress for both of us. My wife is receiving chemotherapy and radiotherapy daily.

Although her oncologist is optimistic the treatment will be successful, she seems unable to accept this and has become angry and abusive, which is seriously affecting our relationship. She has now refused to let me go with her to hospital and will not give me details of her prognosis.

She insists that I should leave her and our home, although this is quite unrealistic.

I have suggested that if she needs a break I will go and stay in a hotel for a bit, but this suggestion has made her more angry. I have been as supportive as I can.

I am now also having health problems and have to have surgery. She knows this, but will not speak about it except to express anger at me for being unwell.

Any attempt at discussion results in her becoming more angry and abusive. I don’t know how to get her emotions back on an even keel to make matters easier for us. PETER

T hIS reminds me of a letter published on February 9, headlined: I’m so hurt my dying husband wants to leave me. The reader I called ‘Althea’ was upset and angry because her terminally ill husband had, after many rows, decided to face his end without her by his side. I felt she was being less than empathetic to her (clearly desperate) husband and told her so.

To my surprise and delight, she immediately wrote back to thank me for my honesty.

So I suggest that although I feel sympathy for the situation your whole family is facing, I’m wondering if you are misreading the source of your wife’s anger.

You seem to believe she is raging at you — a response you find upsetting and unjust. It is easy to see how, given your own poor health, combined with the ongoing anxiety about your son as well as your wife, it would make anybody despair.

Yet nowhere in your email do I find any hint that you understand your wife’s sheer terror.

You describe her as being angry and aggressive and abusive. But what if all that expresses her all-too-real fear of death? What if she is angry with herself because her own illness prevents her from being a supportive mother to your ill son?

What if she is railing against fate itself — ‘Why is this happening to me?’ What if she longs for you to be calm and strong … yet your own ‘stress’ prevents you from responding to that inarticulate need.

You say she ‘repeatedly suggests that I leave her’. Your response was to say you would stay in a hotel to give her a break.

You see, I think she would have seen your well-meaning suggestion as withdrawal. Even betrayal.

Maybe she wanted you to reassure her that nothing in the world would take you from her side as you face her treatment together.

You and your wife need support — a good place to start would be Macmillan ( macmillan. org. uk). It’s worth reading the excellent content, then calling the helpline (0808 808 00 00).

Cancer support special-ists can give information about counselling in your area, and there’s a commu-nity forum for those who have cancer.

When something major, like a bereavement or a cancer diagnosis, hits a family it can be like an explosion which scatters — driving people apart into their respective regrets and fears. Be aware of that danger and counter it.

It may be that you don’t need to force discussion on your sick, frightened wife but (using Macmillan as a starting point) show her that you do understand her moods and will do everything to help her through this trial.