Sex is good for you . . . so don’t be too shy to talk about it

Henry MarsH, the celebrated neurosurgeon and writer, says he thinks women, on average, make better doctors than men. He argued that they tend to be better listeners, are more empathic and work better in groups. Overall I’m inclined to agree with him. Whether this is down to an innate difference between the sexes or dependent on how boys and girls are brought up is another matter. What’s interesting is that had Marsh said the opposite — that men made better doctors — he would have been instantly denounced on social media and, quite possibly, fired. Isn’t it odd how we tolerate sexism when it’s directed at men!

We’re told that it’s good to talk — and yes, we’re all so much better than we used to be at discussing our emotions and difficulties. However, there’s one topic that still makes people clam up: sex.

We might be surrounded by it — in books and magazines, on TV and in films and adverts — but now it emerges that not only do we not talk about sex, we’re not doing it either.

Fewer than half of Britons have sex once a week, according to researchers from the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, who found that there has been a steep decline in intimacy since 2001, especially for those over 25 and married couples.

Why? It seems technological ‘distractions’ such as box sets, social media and email are a real issue here, making it all too easy to ignore the person sitting or lying next to you.

If you stay up late binge-watching Line Of Duty, for example, and your partner retires early, then of course your sex life will suffer.

And then there is the proliferation of pornography via the internet. Where there is a mismatch of libido, then the person with a higher sex drive can so easily turn to porn and forget that their partner might still want sex occasionally. This can lead to relationship breakdown, with the person with the lower sex drive feeling unloved or unattractive.

Whatever the cause, half of women and two- thirds of men told the researchers that they’d like to have sex more often.

If you think about it, there is a lot of sadness behind that statistic — and a profound failure of communication between couples which is at the root of so many miserable, sexless relationships.

RESENTMENT, frustration and anger can bubble away under the surface and manifest themselves in all sorts of ways.

I recently saw a very depressed woman in clinic. She had a poor body image, had tried numerous diets and had resorted to making herself sick after meals in a futile attempt to lose weight.

This had led to heart problems, which resulted in hospitalisation. I asked what she thought had brought it on and was startled when she replied ‘sex’. Or rather, she clarified, a lack of it.

She told me that she’d been married for 30 years but she and her husband had not had sex for more than a decade. She was convinced that it was all her fault, because she was ‘ ugly’ and repelled him.

I suggested I talk to her husband alone, and he, too, cited the lack of sex as a reason for the tension in their relationship. He explained how this had started when his wife was being treated for breast cancer and, because she was in pain and feeling sick much of the time, he’d stopped trying to initiate sex out of consideration for her.

Yet his wife had interpreted this as rejection and this persisted even after her recovery.

It was heart-breaking to think of these two people, who still loved each other, woefully misreading the other’s thoughts and intentions and unable to talk about it.

I suggested couples therapy, and after six sessions with a counsellor they were able to resume intimacy, their relationship improved and her depression lifted.

It was far better than any antidepressant.

Sex is undoubtedly good for our mental health. It releases the ‘ bonding’ hormone oxytocin, helps us relax and — most importantly — it makes us feel wanted in a relationship.

Yes, it’s a difficult topic to broach, and there’s always a fear that talking about it will lead to rejection or humiliation.

But if sex is a problem in your relationship, then talking about it — either with your partner or with a counsellor — is the only way to get it back on track.