He might be having a midlife crisis

DOM SAYS:

The first thing I must say is that I’m terribly sorry for your predicament. My heart really does go out to you. My assumption is that you have checked the truth of your friend’s report. If not, then please summon the courage to do so — it’s important you are sure about this.

There are no excuses for this kind of despicable behaviour, but we need to know more.

has your husband’s behaviour changed at all? Surely if he was going out and meeting women for dates then you’d have noticed he was spending a lot less time at home? And if he’s having a full-blown affair then it’s natural to assume he would be acting in a very suspicious manner. Does he hide his phone from you? Charge it in the other room and have furtive texts?

Actually, his behaviour around his phone is key here — if he’s merrily swiping away on his dating app while sitting next to you on the sofa I’d expect you’d know about it!

The reason I say this is because, while I condemn his behaviour utterly, there are shades of grey. It is possible that he has put up a picture of himself online as part of a midlife crisis. This doesn’t make it OK, but it does mean that he hasn’t necessarily acted on his folly.

I’m told by a friend with experience of dating apps that there are plenty of men who simply text back and forth — seeking reassurance from random women that they’ve still ‘got it’.

You say you’re content in your marriage, and I have to say I’d far rather hear you say you’re happy. You’ve been married for 17 years and while, yes, that is a long time, you’ve hopefully got a lot more ahead of you! It is easy to drift into a kind of companionable non-marriage, particularly when you have kids. They may have taken over your life at the expense of your marriage.

So. What to do now? The one thing you really shouldn’t do is bury your head in the sand. No good will come of that. Sit down with your husband and tell him what you know. Try your hardest to be calm when you do so. If what you hear hurts you further, then so be it. If it’s over, it’s over, and you can start to move on.

I hope for you both that your husband has been engaged in a cack-handed attempt to boost his self-confidence and you are able to resolve this and move forward together.

But if not, then take solace from the fact that you have the courage and resilience to get through this, so it’s time to start now. Relationships are hard work and need a lot of attention. I hope that this is all your husband is looking for.