My sister has total control over our sick mum

This makes me feel i am tip-toeing into a minefield. it made me think, ‘There but for fortune’, and i suspect many readers will agree.

You call your problem ‘complex’; i would like readers to know that your original was 1,736 words, edited to 460 here. so there is information i have which will inform my attempt at a reply.

i tread with care because this story concerns three main players — all vulnerable in different ways.

Your mother’s situation is pitiable in the extreme, but so is your own condition, made worse by this sense of guilt and frustration.

Then there is your sister who (no matter what instant judgments readers might be tempted to make) is surely doing her best as she sees it.

in spite of your differences, you are quick to acknowledge the demands made on her. There must be days when she feels under much stress — and a letter from her could spell that out in ways perhaps even you are unaware of.

Readers will argue that she is obviously a controlling person and her treatment of your mother stems from her ego rather than what your mother wants.

it’s worrying if your mother really is ‘afraid’ of this strong-minded daughter; nevertheless your honest praise of your sister has to be remembered.

Whatever the truth, it’s my view that elderly people need treats — and if that includes grapes and chocolates when there is no evidence whatsoever of

allergy, then give what makes them happy. She suffers enough with her disability.

I wish your mother’s GP could be involved or a private dietitian hired to mediate.

No matter how well-intentioned your sister is, she must ask herself how far she is motivated by her own obsession and how far by a genuine care for her mother’s likes, dislikes and needs.

I need to be neutral because it’s essential your relationship does not break down. If your mother’s spirits would be lifted by her garden or a visit to the park and your sister has no time, the help of a private carer is essential.

The funds are there, so there’s no reason not to use them. This would, after all, lift a burden from your sister. You need to sit down with her, face to face, and draw up a plan. She knows how ill you are, so it would be wrong of her to refuse.

You say others have tried to intervene, but your tricky sister has put them off. Now your adult children are anxious about you — and since this vulnerable lady is their grandmother, I wish they would give practical help.

Yes, people are busy; on the other hand, sacrifices can be made. Can’t at least one of them become your ‘envoy’ and converse with their aunt — to help lift your burden of anxiety?