Yes! Ask him what he’s really up to
STEPH SAYS:
My first instinct is that this doesn’t sound good. sorry, but i think your best friend may be right. if Dom turned round after all these years and said ‘actually i fancy going off on my own for ten days’, i’d smell a rat.
sometimes men find ways to bring relationship problems to a head without directly addressing them, and to me this feels like a vehicle for doing just that.
you say he likes his own company, but he’s never wanted to holiday alone before, so this isn’t normal behaviour for him. in my view, all unusual behaviour has to be addressed head-on.
i don’t blame you for thinking it’s hurtful. We marry to share our lives, but when we work fulltime, we spend a great deal of time with other people.
A holiday is precious and it’s devastating to hear our chosen partner say they’d rather spend it away from you than with you. A weekend with the boys, fine. ten days (apparently) alone? that’s different.
Of course there’s no hard and fast rule. some couples do choose to holiday separately, and that’s fine if it’s a decision made together. i can’t imagine wanting to do that myself, but some people find two weeks in the exclusive company of their spouse quite suffocating.
Or perhaps they just have different ideas of what makes a good holiday. But i can’t help thinking your situation is different. your husband has announced his plans out of the blue, with no apparent thought for your feelings.
so what to do? i can feel your trepidation as i read your letter, but you’re going to have to be brave, grab the bull by the horns and find out what he’s really up to.
Do it immediately. sit him down, ask him to rewind and explain again why he wants to go on holiday without you. Don’t be confrontational, but do tell him how hurt, even shocked you are. it’s going to be a difficult conversation, but you musn’t get over-emotional. you need to make it easy for him to talk.
yes, there might be another woman, or it might be a midlife crisis, or he might be able to convince you it is all about the walking and the solitude.
Whatever it is, you need to know and you need to know now. Marriages go through stages of re- evaluation, where you have to sit down and see if you’re both on the same page.
But most of all, a marriage is about sharing — the bad stuff as well as the good. Open the door to that conversation and help him blurt out the real reasons for his solo holiday. then you can deal with it together.