Middle-aged men need time alone

DOM SAYS:

i’M going to shoot straight to the end of your letter and say that the concern seems to come primarily from your friend.

But, honestly, i think she’s overreacting. Calm down and chill your boots. i’m not sure there’s much to worry about at all, and i don’t for a minute think your marriage is doomed.

there are lots of reasons why a man in his 50s might want some time alone to think. Perhaps he’s wants to review his career, or he’s worried about his children, or his health, or your health. And it may well be he needs time to sort these things out in his own mind before he shares them with you.

His decision to holiday alone has offended you, and, yes, it is offensive, but you shouldn’t automatically think of it as a rejection of you. it’s not.

People take solo breaks for a variety of reasons, and while i’d be surprised if steph wanted to do it by active choice, we’ve often been forced to holiday apart because our son, who suffers from severe epilepsy, has been unable to travel and one of us has had to stay at home with him.

there are justifiable reasons for wanting to do it. your husband’s desire to take time out and enjoy his own company for once sounds perfectly plausible to me.

Could he be having an affair? Well, of course he could, but i think you’d have picked up on other clues by now. Has he been acting suspiciously in any other way? taking odd phone calls or ‘working late’ more often than usual? if not, and it’s simply a case of this sudden need to travel alone, then relax.

to me, this sounds like a rather mild midlife crisis. Let him go and chew over whatever’s bugging him, and all will be revealed when he comes home.

the fact that he’s chosen the Alps as his destination should, i think, reassure you. After all, there’s no better place to put problems into perspective than an awe- inspiring natural landscape. He wants to think, not stray.

My advice to you is to tell him right away that you’re hurt, which is a perfectly fair response, but also that you understand that he needs to do this, and you won’t stand in his way. tell him you expect a full debrief when he gets back and send him off with your love.

Meanwhile, take a break yourself — though perhaps not with that friend you mention — and have fun choosing a joint holiday with your husband for later in the year. if you play this right, it will end up strengthening, not damaging, your marriage.