How it took me 25 years to escape from my rapist husband
THANK you for raising awareness about coercive control (Femail). I suffered in this way for more than 25 years and it has ruined my life. My husband would check the mileage on my car, had text alerts set up on the bank account to alert him if I tried to take out money and rang dozens of times a day to check I hadn’t left the house. The worst thing was being forced to have sex while I covered my face for shame with the tears rolling down my cheeks. The whole family dreaded the front door opening when he came home from work because if he was in a bad mood, we would all suffer. I was desperate to leave, but he swore I’d never see my two daughters again and would end up sleeping in shop doorways — and I believed him. He told me I was crazy and that being abandoned as a baby by my mother had made me unstable. I am an intelligent woman, but such ‘gaslighting’ techniques made me question my sanity. He told me everyone could see what nice clothes I had, the great holidays we went on and our new family car. But they couldn’t see the fingerprint bruises I was always covered with from being shaken, pulled and pushed. When the girls had grown up and left home, I knew I had to save myself. Behind his back, I found a counsellor and with her help I realised he would never change and that he was devoid of empathy and compassion. I started saving in secret. It took two years before I could afford the first month’s rent and a deposit on a flat. He kept turning up demanding that I let him in to search the place for evidence of another man. I instructed a solicitor to tell him I’d suffered years of abuse and he was not to contact me again. I asked for some photos of the girls when they were young, but this was denied me. Predictably, his aim during the divorce was to fight against giving me any money and he didn’t care if he bankrupted himself in the process. The family house was undervalued, he spent the savings account and then demanded I repay the money. I now live in a tiny house in the country with a vegetable patch. I’m still in debt, despite having two jobs. I live in silence so I can hear if anyone is approaching. One of my daughters is getting married in September, but I can’t go. Not because I’m scared of my former husband, though I am, but because I don’t want him to find a way to ruin her day and make it look as if it’s my fault. Sadly, I’m the loser financially and emotionally, but at least I am not being raped on a regular basis. I would tell any women who is living a life where she is being controlled by a cruel husband to ask for help and get out when she can.
Name and address supplied.