My NEW eleven essentials for wedded bliss
HONEYMOON ETIQUETTE
In 1969, I advised virgins to take a red towel on their honeymoon to avoid embarrassment after they’d had sex. But of course virgins don’t exist anymore, so the towel rule doesn’t apply.
I still maintain, though, that you should take two good books, sleeping pills and go somewhere where there’s plenty to interest you. Otherwise you’ll have nothing to do except each other.
NEVER BLAB ABOUT AFFAIRS
INFIDELITY is awful, but for the person committing it, it’s often just a frolic. Forgive, is my advice. It will blow over.
I’m very much against friends who think they are doing you a good turn by telling you that your husband is knocking off someone else. Lots of people are at it, and if you are, keep your trap shut. you’d be insane to confess.
We had a lovely house in Fulham and there was always a couple in the spare room sleeping with someone who wasn’t their wife or husband. One couple had such vigorous sex that the ceiling came down.
How can anyone even commit adultery anymore? you haven’t got a hope! you can say you’re in the office but your husband/wife knows immediately, if they’ve got one of those tracking devices on their mobile phones, that you’re in a hay-field. Hideous!
And they can find out all the numbers you’ve rung. These days you have to be much more furtive if you want a secret affair.
IF YOU DON’T FANCY SEX, TALK ABOUT IT
I THINK I was completely wrong to suggest that men had the right to demand sex, but I still think they should be able to talk about it and say, ‘I love you and I’d like to have it.’ These days, poor men practically need a legal consent form before they touch a woman. Men ought to be conscious and proud of their sexuality but they’re so insecure they’re even afraid to say if someone looks beautiful. I do think it’s a tragedy that they’re so diminished now. They’re terrified of making a pass at a woman. I love being wolf-whistled. I’m honoured at my age. I don’t see why you wouldn’t be unless you’re a very young girl who might be embarrassed by horrible leering. It all depends on context, doesn’t it?
SHARE CHORES
SHARE the household chores. Fifty years ago I was telling wives to get home early from work to clean the house. Actually Leo did
most of the tidying and was such a wonderful cook he was known as the escoffier of Putney. A chap I know is nicknamed the Iron Man, I’d assumed because he was so strong. Actually it’s because he does all the ironing. Wonderful!
KEEP A PET
EVERY marriage should have room for a dog or cat. Animals cheer you up and you can laugh through them. After one particularly acrimonious row, I was packing my bags when leo said, ‘you don’t want the poor cat to be the victim of a broken home.’ We started laughing, and the argument was forgotten.
SALUTE HOUSE-HUSBANDS
HOUSE-HUSBANDS and shared parenting were unheard of in the Sixties, but today, if you’re lucky enough to have a stay-athome husband who looks after the kids, be eternally grateful. It’s a tough job and not to be underestimated.
IGNORE SEX SURVEYS
TAKE sex surveys with a large pinch of salt. They usually talk to 20 people in ealing then generalise about the whole world from the findings. I read one recently that said it takes the average woman 13 minutes to achieve an orgasm. That sounds a long time to me. Surely it depends on the context and how aroused you are.
PORN FOR ADULTS
I’Ve never watched internet porn — I’m a technophobe. I wouldn’t know how to find it — but if it turns you on, I think it’s OK. But watch it behind closed doors. It’s terrible to think of children watching it on their mobile phones.
LOVE AND CHERISH
HOLD these words close to your heart and your relationship will prosper. I hate it when couples put each other down. Celebrate your wife/ husband’s achievements and tell them when they look lovely.
ALWAYS SHARE A BED
NEVER share razors. Have separate TVs if you need to. But always share a bed. Sex is such a lovely, cheering thing, and if couples stop sleeping in the same bed, it’s the first step towards stopping having sex. laughter is key too. Marriage, I’ve always believed, is kept alive by bed-springs creaking as much from helpless laughter as from sex.
ROWING AT BEDTIME
I’Ve never agreed with the adage, ‘Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath.’ Why try to resolve a row when you’re both exhausted at bedtime? Far better to go to sleep and everything will seem better in the morning.
HOW To Stay Married by Jilly Cooper, £9.99 is published by Bantam Press