He enjoys the drama of two women

STEPH SAYS:

I’M so sorry for you. Believe me, you deserve better than this. Much better.

This is a long- established pattern of behaviour from your husband. He has now been in touch with this woman for more than 40 years!

so, the first thing I’d like to say, as I think it’s important to shore up your confidence, is that if he wanted to be with her, he would.

If they were going to waltz off into the sunset together then surely that would have happened after his first wife died.

But it didn’t. so, after 40 years, it’s not likely to happen now, is it? He had every opportunity to choose his mistress, and he did not. He met and chose to be with you.

Yet that doesn’t mean you should accept this. far from it! I think his behaviour is disgraceful and he should be ashamed of himself.

In your longer letter you say that this woman was a thorn in his first wife’s side until she died. It seems to me that your husband might secretly enjoy the drama of the situation.

He may be getting pleasure from playing two women off against each other. Perhaps that was the case with his first wife, too?

I wonder if his first wife was too timid to stand up for herself, and I urge you not to follow suit. What I think you really need to do is shut this down — now.

Your husband knows that this is causing you distress and that should be more than enough for him to put an end to it. But he hasn’t. And that upsets me on your behalf.

Generally, my advice tends towards the conciliatory. I’m normally all for seeing the other person’s side and moving towards each other’s point of view.

But I feel very strongly that your husband really is in the wrong here.

You deserve a peaceful and happy life. You certainly don’t deserve to live with the spectre of another woman looming over your marriage.

Tell your husband that you are no longer accepting this situation — and that he needs to make a choice.

Gather the people that you love around you. Let them boost your self- confidence and build you up, and face the future with your head held high.

And remember: you are entirely blameless.