Exes can be friends, but not like this

DOM SAYS:

I confess your letter has given me sleepless nights. I’ve thought long and hard about your problem and it does keep coming back to me.

I suppose the nub of this is: can you, or should you, be friends with an ex?

Personally, I’ve always felt it unnecessary. When I met steph she quickly became my focus and I concentrated my life on her, to the exclusion of all others — family and friends.

It wasn’t deliberate, but my life started to revolve around her and, of course, still does.

That said, I have a good friend, who is friends with all his exes. They spend a lot of time together with their new partners. The key for me is that I know they would absolutely not be happy with your situation.

There is trust between my friend, his wife and his exes because the friendships are just that — friendships.

everything is above board and nobody has any reason to even consider it an issue. But the relationship you describe is not remotely acceptable on the basis that it excludes you and therefore is fundamentally about them.

By having secret conversations with your husband the minute you leave the house, she is clearly trying to drive a wedge between the two of you.

And your husband is not being remotely supportive. There may well not be anything sexual here, but it doesn’t matter. I agree with you that emotional affairs can be just as hurtful.

In your longer letter you say she makes rude comments about you and, if you answer when she calls, she hangs up.

This is not something you should have to put up with in your own home. ever. My heart really goes out to you.

You and your husband need to seek marriage counselling. He needs, I think, some kind of therapy to help him see what they are doing, why they are doing it and how much he is hurting you.

for me, this is quite simple. I would never have anyone who was disrespectful of my wife as a friend.

Your husband needs to think on that. I truly hope he sees the error of his ways.

someone has to go.