Illicit kiss has made me resent my sexless marriage
This is, in many ways, an old and not uncommon situation, isn’t it? Your longer email says the two of you know you’ve become a cliché: the office romance.
Many people develop feelings for a colleague. The danger comes when this tips over into secretive behaviour, such as meeting for drinks or lunch without telling your partners. That’s the point at which people can become ‘unfaithful’ without actually having sex.
if you are longing to get to work, fantasising, sharing confidences, and so on, the close attention given to that relationship is taking away from the partner who is in the dark. it’s dangerous territory — as you have found out.
Your situation would be upsetting even if your senior colleague were not married. And, of course, if your own contented marriage did not have the sexual problem.
You explained more about that (which i’ve kept private), and it sounds as if there’s no answer — except coming to terms with the situation for the sake of all the good aspects of your marriage.
By the way, the last time i said something similar on this page, a reader wrote angrily that i should be ashamed of myself. Ashamed for suggesting there is more to a long relationship than sex.
since i believe in companionship, cuddles, talking, sharing, laughing, friendship and a deep, spiritual connection between two souls . . . well,
yes, I repeat that sex cannot be the be-all and end-all in life.
But each of us has different needs and weaknesses.
All I can do is ask you to consider whether you are prepared to ditch your husband and make the rest of the family unhappy because of the lack of sex.
Your job is the next issue. Either you move (and risk getting a dull position elsewhere) or you realise you have to control your feelings.
What option is there? This man will not — and should not — leave his wife and baby. He proved that although you may feel like an overweight, middle-aged woman, you possess the kind of sympathy, intelligence, warmth and experience that transcends superficial appearances — and that confirmation (even if only a tipsy kiss) is something to be celebrated.
Focus on that boost to your ego — a little gift that’s your very own.
You have an interesting job you enjoy, and I think you would be misguided to give it all up because of your feelings for this man — feelings that can only end in tears, unless you stop dwelling on the negatives and think hard.
In my experience, men at work are often all too ready to complain ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’.
Ask yourself whether he should have betrayed her in that way and whether it was right for you to encourage his confidences because you wanted to seem essential.
Have you thought of counselling to deal with your issues of self-esteem? It would do you good to talk this through with a professional. How are you coping with the menopause? Look carefully at what you can take and what you are eating. The latter is vital, like exercise; to be disciplined about both is to start to love yourself.
Most of us need some help to approach the next stage in life. Deciding to stay where you are, but making changes, would be a major step towards taking back control.